Feeling the space in three

December 17, 2007 10:36 am

1.

I sent to 3:

Raisin Murphy sings of love in the making to lines of red ants marching to boxes where they come to line and fall on line, fat then thin, feeling fat, crawling, crawling to get drunk, to crawl home, red to another box, and wake up an ant.

1:

An ant poem?

[1 had been watching Babe in the City the whole day, sick in bed.]

2:

I feel like an ant.

[2 was on a Jeepney]

3:

Hehe! Are you still tipsy or overhung?

[To 3: Overhung? Hahaha. I’m on my way to another alcoholic shindig…]

It’s written from this traffic on a Friday, payday, and bonus day and the radio said that SM Megamall was expecting 500 000 people that night and on the weekend. That it took 30 minutes for each person standing on lines for a turn on ATM’s. And then what? Have you noticed that no one is saying “Merry Christmas” to anyone? Not even security guards or people in elevators or cab drivers. Or that there is nothing “merry” on this Christmas?

That night, for Christmas, Oso gave me a Nokia N73.

I sputtered my “really?” and “thanks!”

He laughed, knowing how I hate to be surprised especially when someone’s giving me something.

Then I moaned, “Oh no! There are too many buttons!”

He laughed, “Kaya mo yan” and patiently pointed out to me which would do what. He said that he had installed something “Office” that would allow me to write using the phone instead of lugging a laptop around. Then of course, music files. And it has a 3.2 megapixel camera. [I’m still romancing the Minolta Vectis that Dad had given me hence I’m not taking any pictures recently.]

I began squealing in excitement. He cautioned, laughing, “Kahit ibato mo yan, ok lang, ipapaayos na lang natin o ayusin ko, basta nakasara yun cover nun lens ng camera pag ibinato mo ha?”

And of course I punched his arm.

I remember a Monday morning and an old man on an elevator--- he suddenly said, “My condolences.”

I said, “Excuse me?”

He pointed to the black dress I was wearing, my black shawl, my puffy eyes, “Who died?”

I smiled, shook my head, “No one.”

He smiled.

Before I stepped out of the elevator, I said to him, “My heart.”

He shrugged.

I laughed, “Merry Christmas.”

2.

The next day I woke up, not wanting to wake up to see my parents leave for Malaysia, then my brother leave for the same country hours later--- for Christmas with Egg.

I cooked breakfast for them and then pasta for lunch, without really eating anything. I asked myself if I had packed everything I should send to Egg, especially her new eyeglasses [because the frames I’m wearing now was hers and I had been obsessing about it until she consented to give them to me before she left].

I and the cat sent her a Neil Gaiman autographed copy of the Beowulf script, copies of PSF2 and PSF3, make-up, and the mandatory Taschen or teNeues planner that we’ve been giving her every Christmas. Last year, I think it was Andy Warhol. This year, it’s a Taschen Frida Kahlo.

When I saw the planner, I told the cat that we should get another one for Radha.

The cat asked, “Is she into planners too like Egg?”

I said, “I’m not sure but she loves Frida Kahlo.”

Then we had decided that we would just give everyone books for Christmas.

I wrote Egg a note on the PSF3 flyleaf: I miss you. Thank you for loving me (the most). I haven’t called her, texted her or emailed her ever since she left. Before she left, I would make it a point to stay away from home, acquiring her absence. One morning I woke up to see her packing and said to her, “I will not help you pack. Why would I?” On the day she left, I made sure I had a hangover and I actually came with them to the airport, smiling, resolute that I would not cry.

I cried when she hugged me, making sure that I was breathing evenly so that she won’t feel that I was crying. I turned away to brush off my tears and then smiled once more.

“Uy, feel ko pagka-OFW mo ha?” I joked, “Ayan, we’re like everybody here. OFW families and barangay drama sa despedida.”

She called the cat when they were boarding, “Uppa, alagaan mo yun maus ha?”

While on the plane she texted all of us her love. I replied, “Ipon muna ko ng cheese para makapunta diyan.”

She replied, “Just say when. I’ll pay for your fare and everything.”

When I had an argument with my parents several days ago, I snapped, “That’s why I want Egg here! She’s always on my side! Whatever happens! She’s on my side!”

They have all bugging me to process my passport (again). What’s missing is just a picture. I’ve been delaying having that picture taken.

If I leave to go to her, I will never come back.

After they left for the airport, Basher sent me a message, “Shall we drink today?”

I told him to just come with me to Lenny’s reception. He told me that he’ll eat first. I told him to eat there. He told me to come with him to Taft first to buy something in a computer shop. I told him to do his errands first because I was still going to clean up and take a bath.

While getting ready, he sends me a message, “My AC just died.” I told him to get it fixed.

Then he calls me, “It’s done.” Then he calls me again, “May ground eh. I have to go back to the shop.”

I laughed, “Fine.”

Then he calls me again to say, “This will take 3 hours so I guess I’m out.”

I laughed, “There’s really nothing ‘merry’ about this Christmas.”

In Lenny’s reception, I stuffed myself with all the meat and vegetables that Scoobs’s Mom and relatives brought all the way from Iriga to Manila and had been cooking the whole night. Finally, I felt as if I were really eating.

Scoobs pointed out to me, “Oh, yan, ipinaluto ko yun Igado, favorite mo.”

I said, “Yay! Noy, hayaan mo na ko dito sa mesa. Masaya na ko. Magpapakababoy ako. Umakyat ka na. Asikasuhin mo mga bisita mo.”

And there I happily ate. After, I came up to the rooftop and talked to Sander and his wife Malou. I also played and danced with Lenny (who kept on looking at my chest).

Malou, who was holding Lenny, said, “Ano bang tinitingnan nitong batang to at di humarap sa tumatawag sa kanya?”

Scoobs followed Lenny’s gaze and started laughing, “Tang ina, Anak, hayop ka sa taste! Matinik!”

I said to Scoobs, “Gago! Sawayin mo yan anak mo ha?”

Then Scoobs laughed, getting Lenny, “Halika anak. Itong anak ko, iinom rin ‘to, magyoyosi, mambababae at magdrudrugs!”

And everyone said, most are recovering addicts and some are still users, “Yeah!”

I said, “Tang ina niyo! Mag gago! Lenny, makinig ka kay Ninang ha? Kahit ano, baby, you can do. Bahala si Ninang. Wag lang magdrugs ha?”

I drank Vodka, while Boboy (Scoobs’s younger brother) kept on egging me, “Ate, shot ka ng Red Horse?”

I shook my head, laughing, “Naku, boy! Baka gumulong ako niyan. Remember nun 2004? Gumulong ako diyan sa inyo, tapos yun Uncle niyo painapashot pa ko dun sa may tangkal ng Empoy kada pag CR ko.”

Later on, Sander and Scoobs sang to me “She’s always a woman to me”. I was laughing the whole time, giving the two my two middle fingers. I laughed harder when Scoobs said, “Etong kantang to para rin sa asawa ko!” and his wife also gave him her middle finger.

Then Sander said to one Kumpare, pointing to dear, demure me in my tube dress and crossed legs, “Pare, eto, kahit nakadress at borloloy yan ng ganyan, pag mali hirit mo kay Scoobs o sa akin, itutumba ka niyan.”

I laughed, “Oy, di yan totoo ha? Wag kang maniwala diyan.”

Sander, “Anong di totoo? Pare, pustahan tayo, kargado yan. Kargado naman yan lagi eh. Ano, Mama?”

I said, “Oo, ballpen at lapis tsong marami ako sa bag.”

Then Scoobs sat beside me and we were doing shots of beer, “Pare, sino katabi ng asawa mo?”

Scoobs said, “Ah, nakita mo? Yan, karibal ko raw one time.”

“And?”

“Ala naman, tangna weak. Atras. Kastahan koy ya.”

“Huwag na, mukhang wala naman eh. Pakyut lang.“

Then Scoobs asked, “Ikaw nga, seryoso Dude, kelan ka magkakababy?“

I shook my head, “Di na talaga ata kaya eh.”

He just nodded, hugged me and kissed my forehead, “Hayaan mo, si Lenny anytime gusto mong laruin or whatever, punta ka lang o dalhin ko sa ‘yo.”

I just nodded and smiled.

3.

That night, the cat and I had dinner with Radha in Kashmir. She gave me books I wanted to be part of my personal library and I felt like a child again happy at Christmas--- as we feasted, drank, talked, laughed, and shared insights about writing and people and life.

She also looked almost like a child happy at Christmas when she saw the Frida Kahlo planner.

When I came home, I wrote and finished something that started being written last December 27 1998. It’s entitled “Mary Smiles [The Last Smile]”.

“What a lovely, sad, awake poem.”

I slept and when I woke up I began writing again. This time, I finished “Maricchia Smiles [A Daughter’s Smile]”.

“…cried at mass during communion over the last one.”

I felt my womb clench as soon as I finished the last of “8 Smiles to Eternity”:

To Smile

A Sorceress Smiles [For Luna…]

The Black Hole Smiles [A Widow’s Smile]

The Doll Smile [A Wife’s Smile]

The Siren Smiles [Melody’s Smile]

The Guitar Smiles [A Mistress’s Smile]

Mary Smiles [The Last Smile]

Maricchia Smiles [A Daughter’s Smile]

And I started bleeding.

This time, I did not scream or cry in pain, although I felt that I was in my womb, curled, almost no longer feeling empty.

After all, I have the space of eternity to fill even as I wait to feel if my heart would break tomorrow and four days before Christmas.