Dear Katinka: A Letter Finally Sent

December 28 2007 9:35 am




24

Felt weird--- to spend Xmas without the whole family. I felt lonely. My inbox was flooded by Xmas greetings. I read all of them. And the winner is:

Merry Xmas 2 u, ur loved ones, ur new acquaintances, ur childhood crush, ur dog’s stylist, to every 1 close to u & even 2 those who r not so near! Hehe. God bless us all. Ü

I had laughed at that one. It’s a good thing the wisher had given a name because I already deleted the contact input in my phone. I had replied--- I like replying to dead people anyway. This one didn’t reply back. That’s how it is talking to dead people.

So what do I do? I turned off the phone. Then I got drunk with my brother-in-law. Same poison, Tanduay and Coke (yes, yes, the drinking kind not the snorting kind). We finished off two lapads. I think I drank 1.5 out of the 2. We talked mano-a-hermana. I told him that if he ever tries again any of the shit he had done, I will kill him.

He said, “Opo, Ate.”

There, we understood each other.

Before sleeping, I vomited twice in the parents’ comfort room and then crawled to bed.


25

Slept the whole day. Woke in the afternoon to go to Mass with Magpie, Gnomie, Dom, Yan, the kids and the yaya.

The celebrant gave a weird sermon. One minute he was quoting scripture, then it became political and then he quoted Confucius. I had quipped to Magpie, “Confucius huh? The priest is confusing everyone.”

I was happier watching the kids run around and perform their antics. I left just after the sermon because I was feeling ill. Dom drove me home and then I told him not to wait for me. I vomited again. Then I took Ma’s car and drove back to the church. Mass was done: right on time.

Then we had dinner out. I taught Biboy, “Anak, raise your hand and say ‘Boss!’ when you want to call the waiter’s attention, okay?” He did just that when we wanted something during the night. The waiters caught on and every time would ask Biboy, “Ano po?”

After, as we walked to the cars Gnomie had asked me to greet her friends. One of her friends, Edna, said, “Akala namin kung sinong artistahin naglalakad. Ikaw pala!”

I just laughed.

I went to my Kuya Chipmunk’s house after, wondering if he wanted to go out. We scheduled our reunion for the next day.


26

I showed Yan-Yan what Pao-Pao wrote on my journal. Then I showed her a picture we took of her while writing. Pao-Pao can perfectly hold a pen with her left hand. I will post the picture one of these days: it does look like a 2-year-old little girl is writing.

When I first saw her hold a pen, I had laughed, “Yeah! She’s going to write just like Inay!”

Yan-Yan almost wailed when she saw the picture, “Oh my god! I don’t want my kid to turn into a writer and be crazy like you!”

Which reminded me of what Dad had told me before they left for Malaysia, “Let the kids read what you were reading when you were about their age.

I had said, “What? Macbeth? That’s scary stuff Dad. Scared the shit out of me. How about Spinoza? Or Lives of The Saints? I already read Einstein to Biboy when he was 1. Unless you want them to start reading Sheldon and Ludlum? Do we still have three Bears In A Camp?”

That night, I went out with my Kuya Chipmunk. He’s four years older than I am and we’ve been friends since 1984. Ma used to leave me with his mom and them when she would to go to work. I was his tomboy sidekick until we fought that summer before his sixth grade.

We were laughing that night about it, trying to remember why we fought.

I had said, “Ang alam ko lang, umuwi akong bahay na umiiyak. Nagsumbong ako kay Egg. Nagalit sa yo di ba? Sinugod ka sa bahay niyo? Ikaw naman inangat mo siya ng suntukan sabay nilabas mo yun boxing gloves mo.”

That was the first and the last time Kuya Chipmunk ever made me cry. We didn’t talk for a long time after that until he came to my house one typhoon afternoon. We had walked under the rain and wind, just talking.

He had said sorry and something about growing up and all. That was the first time he hugged me and then he kissed my cheek. Then he ruffled my hair. Then we made that pinky-pact.

After that, we never really spent time with each other again. They were growing up and I was still a kid. He was even Egg’s prom date (because prom dates are either your friends or suitors or boyfriends). He was our friend.

Every now and then I would see him and say “Uy” with a nod and a smile. In college, I would see him sometimes when both of us are home for the holidays and out. I would hug him and kiss his cheek. He would ask, “Sinong kasama mo?” and then he would say, “Uwi agad pagkatapos mo ha?”

The last time I saw and talked to him was three Xmas ago. We had sat in front of my house and drank scotch whisky. I couldn’t join the neighborhood boys in their inuman because I was a girl and it’s just not right in our neighborhood for me (in my
Ma’s daster) to sit and drink with them. He had asked, “Kailangan pa bang
ipaalam ka kay Daddy mo?”

I laughed, “Di no! Matanda na ko! And mas ok kung dito na lang sa harap ng bahay namin.”

That time, we talked about our loves and lives, too. He was talking to me but still seeing his little sidekick in her Ma’s daster.

He shook his head and laughed, “My kid sister!”

I laughed, “Yep, all grown up.”

He laughed, “Yeah... And damn you look good girl!”

And I laughed, “Don’t you even think about it! Lagot ka kila Mommy and Daddy!”

He laughed, “Sabihin ko na lang ‘Uncle Albert...Auntie Mae...pano pa yan? Kasi...’”

I laughed, “Gago!”

Then we talked about our respective partners and lives.

He still nagged me and he’s still very bossy.


27

We call Magpie “Madeleine not so Bright” sometimes.

She woke me up to tell me her bright idea: we should go to Legazpi City (which means I drive101 km away) to get my passport application finally processed.

Because I was still drunk, I could only giggle barley bubbles which she mistook for a nod. (Like I can do anything when she decided that we should do her bright ideas.) I even had my passport picture finally taken. Let me just say that from now on I should drink 7 bottles of beer the night before I get any picture taken. I looked bright and pretty and giggly.

Then of course everyone had to come for a road trip. So of course we were late. We got to DFA at 4 pm. They said they had cut off at 3:30. So of course Magpie and Gnomie ended up arguing with the security guard and one attendant because office hours should be until 5 pm.

Finally I said to the attendant, “So what you mean is we traveled this far and sorry na lang?”

He said, “Di naman po Ma’am...”

I said, “But that’s what you’re saying. If you don’t want to say it, then have someone tell that to me. Para masabi ang dapat masabi. Eh kung sorry na lang, naku sorry na lang nga. Kailangan ko marinig yan para sulit yun biyahe.”

He got my ID and a supervisor to talk to me. The supervisor said, “I-paprocess na application nito. Galing pa sa malayo eh.”

I smiled, “Thank so much!”

It was around 6:30 when I was finally done. Then of course they tell me, “Naku, yun lipstick mo sa picture, glossy. Baka mapending pa processing nito.”

I wanted to laugh but I was too tired and drunken barley bubbles had become a painful hangover. We had dinner and left Legazpi at 8:30 pm. We finally arrived home at 10 pm. I stayed and sat inside the car for 5 minutes, getting my bearings. Then I walked out of the garage and jumped outside, to get the blood flowing. Then I walked around for 15-20 minutes. After, I took a long hot shower and kept on massaging my behind, my thighs and my calves.

Seriously, I couldn’t feel them. I had told Magpie, “I’m so tired but I’m still so wired.” While showering I began laughing, remembering what Yan-Yan told us during the drive which made all of us laugh:

Her friend has a 4-year-old daughter, Dylan. Dylan had once said to her mom, “Mommy, niyayaya ako ni Hello Kitty magpakamatay.”

And I thought--- now, that’s a funny story for the inventory, how that happened, Hello Kitty as Chuckie or Satan.

Kuya Chipmunk had sent me a message, asking if I were home already and if I wanted to hang out and drink with him and his best friend (both alumni of this Chinese school). In elementary, they used to be enemies. In high school and life, they became best friends and brothers. I had said, “Tempting but I don’t think I can drive anymore.”

At midnight, Kuya Chipmunk picked me up and we went for a motorcycle ride. I haven’t ridden a bike in a long time. I had told him, “Dahan dahan lang ha?”

I had forgotten how liberating it is to ride a motor bike. I could not help but giggle when I felt the cold night air on my skin. I had even looked up to the sky and saw the moon and stars. I kept on giggling.

Kuya Chipmunk asked, “Nagpaalam ka?”

I said, “Opo. I told them managngapit bahay ako sa inyo. Parang nung mga summer and christmas before. Yun lang nga, mapapadpad pala ko sa kapitbahay na subdivision. Hahahaha.”

I had two bottles of beer at his best friend’s house and the three of us talked. I listened to them talk and they talk the way my friends and I would talk. And they teased me the way they would tease me when I was kid.

At 2 am, Kuya Chipmunk had taken me home, nagging me to go to sleep because I was tired and all.


28

Woke to rain. Gray, gray, gray. I said my good mornings to those who expect it. Then I called Stefania. I apologized for not immediately answering her messages or calls because there’s no signal inside the house and my phone’s going haywire on me. [Oso’s fault for giving me such a complicated phone. Yeah, yeah, I’m such an ungrateful brat.]

And really, you know I don’t do “Merry Xmas!” messages. Coming home for Xmas break is my break from life in the big, bad city. I slow down, marshalling my breath for the next 365 rides. You know I only break my silence to check on the constants.

And you know how Stefania is--- she ended up laughing over everything that I would say. I told her, “I’ll call you again. Alam mo naman, kelangan ko ata umakyat ng bundok o bubong para may signal. Ok lang, just for you because you’re my lesbo lover and I love you.”

She laughed again.

I said, “Wag kang rarampa masyado ha?”

She laughed, “Di nga eh.”

I said, “Aba, bumebenta kahit di rumampa ah! Ibang level! Uy, may regalo ako sa ‘yo. Di ko pa lang nabibigay. Kung ayaw no nun, katawan ko na lang. Ayaw mo rin ata nun so puri ko na lang.”

Of course she just kept on laughing.
It makes me happy to make her laugh.

She told me that you said hi and that you miss me.
Come back and let’s make out.
Hahaha.

I wrote you letters, you know. Everyday. I just never sent them. In one letter, I said that we had that silent disagreement because I was being such a bitch because I couldn’t deal yet with your leaving. Easier to acquire your absence if we weren’t talking, if I could say “Well, it’s better this way, she’s leaving anyway.”

In one letter, I said that I never told you that I needed you. How selfish of me to tell you, “Don’t leave because I need you.” You would have probably freaked out because you know that I don’t allow myself to need anyone, dear cold controlled me. And if I told you that, you might have not left knowing that you needed to take care of me.

In one letter, I said that it doesn’t matter when you’re angry or upset or crying about something. You would immediately stop whatever it is you’re doing if I suddenly said that I had a problem. Still sniffling, you would be immediately calm and concerned and say, “What is it?”

In one letter, I said that I dreamt that you read one blog entry and that you sent me a message. In the message, you said (the way you would say things sometimes with your arms akimbo), “What am I and Stefania going to do with you??”

In one letter, I said that no one sings to me anymore. You were really the only one who would sing to me.

Before I left Manila, Selena sang for me a Sarah Mclachlan song that makes her think of me. Something like, “Mary...” who would hold your hand but hopes that you wouldn’t take more from her. We were at Jill’s at that time, wanting to dance to New Wave but there were just too many people.
Yes, I almost cried.
And no, we didn’t kiss.
We just said to each other, “Naku, buntisan ito!”
Yes, you are still the last woman I kissed.
And yes, people will still think we’re crazy lesbians.

Every letter was a “sorry” and an “I love you”.

God-dam-it-I-miss-you.

I began jumping up and down after I wrote that.
The way I would do sometimes when I am in pain.
Or when I can’t believe I did something and say “Jesus fucking Christ”.
I taught Pao-Pao that, you know.
I told her, “Baby, pag naiinis ka na sa kakulitan ng Mamay mo, sabihin mo, ‘Jeeezuz Chriiiist.’”
“Mamay” is Magpie.
She immediately picked it.
Smart girl.

Now excuse me, I’m going to cry because I goddamn miss you.

I didn’t want to say those words and I finally wrote them.