My Metal Valentine

February 14 2008 8:27 am

I woke up wearing a ring I haven’t worn in almost two years. I slipped it on yesterday on my left ring finger, my heart remembering a vow I made. Yesterday---

feeling ill from a cold in this cold--- wondering if my lungs needed to rest in a hospital room once more---

unable to walk as I stood and bend to my womb’s pain--- swollen and clawing me, an over-ripe fruit that is waiting to burst---

I wait, walking like a grandmother, clutching hot water bottles to me as I sit, slipping in and out of sleep in bed---

receiving messages from crying men and women about bloody valentine’s--- love hurts, they say----

I reply yeah, love, stupid, kill yourself--- to their whines as my scarred womb rakes me with cold nails---

wondering when my heart has become metal, not a stone, not hiding behind walls ---the moment I slipped on the ring.

I woke up wearing a ring I have worn everyday for eight years, a ring I haven’t worn in almost two. I woke up smiling--- not in love---- just this calm, no longer feeling skips, jumps and stings in my heart. Smiling, I remember Tuesday---

why Easy had jokingly told me “I’ll sue you”--- then I said, you can’t, you’re my lawyer, just so we’re clear that I have your consent to be my lawyer, given the Lozada case now.

where Carl showed me the art for one of his 6-word-stories in the SAIS anthology--- I said wow and I sent Adam a message I love the Blake vibe!

when Joel said “Ang sarap ng tama mo. Gusto ko ganyan” as I skipped and jumped to giggles and slid off the hood of Pancho’s car---

how Pancho laughingly said “Fuck you” to me as we hugged each other good-bye and I laughed out Why? to whatever it was he was saying fuck-you to.

what Kael had shared about our loss of faith, the faith we pine for when we see it in our mothers, reminding me of Dickinson:

To lose one’s faith surpasses

The loss of an estate,

Because estates can be

Replenished,--- faith cannot.

Inherited with life,

Belief but once can be;

Annihilate a single clause,

And Being’s beggary.

------ Kael, kind Kael who had asked my bowed head, “Tired?” and I had nodded. He held out his left hand and pulled me up, “Get the blood flowing” and I smiled.

I woke up wearing a ring I have worn---- engraved inside is Mia Beloved--- and said my vow once more through nine cat lives:

That I did always love,

I bring thee proof:

That till I loved

I did not love enough.

And he has given me his vow once more.

I woke up wearing this silver ring I will always wear. I have to wear metal--- I was told--- to ward off illnesses and misfortune this year---

----I wear this ring:

My heart protected once more.