Today:
“I’m wondering what cool is,” Oso said to me, anxious, when I quietly laughed, “I got my cool back.”
Remembered:
Jay “Budoy” Tan and I in
1
The song “Two Princess” by the Spin Doctors is the first song he had sung in public, way back. I actually know how to dance the steps to this song because Quentin (pronounced as kin-tin) taught me.
2
His DVD library of good movies [like Dreams for an Insomniac] and good pornographic movies.
3
His humming porn-background music whenever he saw me--- pom-pom-pomp --- then the mock-lusty-porn look… while sprawled on his bed one time with leer-pat-pat-come-here on the sheets.
4
All because one night we were at his house and I was giggling drunk on Vodka with TC. I saw him sprawled on the sofa and I cooed, “Jay Tan, I want to straddle you.”
5
His raising his arm to make the rock sign every now and then when we watched “Revenge of the Sith” in Greenbelt Cinema. Then his lisping-sniffing geeky version of “Thith ith the cooleth movie ever…yuk, yuk,yuk, *snort*”
6
Poker. Can’t read him. Fuck.
7
Appetizer, Soup, Salad, Main Course, Dessert, Iced Tea,
8
Halloween Parties: He was one time Padre Damaso, then Madonna… In the AD Congress in
9
Winston/Marlboro Lights and a reliable smoking-buddy in a world full of nonsmokers or nicotine-tweakers. My shooting buddy in the Rifle-Pistol Team smoked Winston Select. When he smoked, he would always remind me of my buddy.
10
Chugging down a bottle of San Mig Light. The bottle looked like an infant’s bottle on his hand.
11
My being angry at him for letting Joey drink during one of his house parties. [Joey arrived zonky at Big Sky when he was going to pick me up.] I had sent Budoy a message: “What the hell happened to Joey??” He laughed.
12
His “Hey girl!” and my “Hey hot stuff!” greeting
13
Laughter, easy and light vibes
14
He’s a happy person.
15
“What?” he said, laughing and half-serious while we were left alone in Ching’s condo in
16
My telling his date, MJ, and laughing, “If only I weren’t with Joey, I would be with Jay. Too bad they’re close friends. I’d take him as a lover. Ah, but who said I wouldn’t? Take him, girl or I will.”
17
He would always tell me, “You’re hot” and he would tell Joey, “You’re so lucky, man.” Then more pom-pom-pomp.
18
A friend who loved me and Joey equally. Joey mockingly complains that some of his friends love me more than they love him.
19
He had said when he was reading my entries in my first blog, “I feel like I have to be really high to get what you’re saying. Hehehe.”
20
He would always greet me and Joey when he knows that we are tuned in to 89.9 on a Saturday. I would always tell him then “You’re so hot!”
21…22…23…Many…Infinity…
Yesterday:
I asked Joey how he felt.
He said, “I can handle it. Worried for you.”
“I’m fine. Just give me tonight to get my breath back,” I said to Joey.
“Alright po. Be careful beh. And you’re not alone in this,” he said.
“I’m more worried for you,” I said.
He said, “Will deal with it po. Cat strong.”
Yesterday
Written on
Budoy died today, Joey said.
I felt myself become still, quiet.
I sat down, unable to say anything, just mumbling--- there was screaming in my head: Mike and all those who died were fast screaming slides in my mind with memories of Jay on top of each slide.
In my mind I was screaming NO! NO! NO! NOT HIM! HE WASN’T SUPPOSED TO DIE GODDAMNIT! I wanted to scream, afraid to open my mouth, afraid to move, afraid a howl would come out, a wail.
I felt myself become faint, floating, falling, choking, feeling this tearing in my chest--I felt myself breaking—felt catatonia coming for me--- then I stop it --- then I enforce this numb coolness.
“I’m fine,” I said, a controlled exhale.
I kept on hearing “too late” in my mind.
Too late--- to see him
to talk to him
just when I thought I had tomorrow to finally come to see and talk to him
and make him laugh
I had spoken to him that night--- a party in his house--- just before he went under for kidney transplant. He was going through dialysis thrice every week by then.
He spoke of “What else is there to give me hope?”
He said, “It’s better that I don’t have anyone--- like MJ--- no one would be dragged. And what’s the point?”
I told him, “I hope it would all go better.”
He and I knew that it would get worse. He knew it. He felt alone.
Still, we hoped.
And after, I stayed away.
I had refused to have memories of his becoming thinner, gaunter, in pain, crying, depressed… I have too much of those memories already, so many who had been ill and who had died and left me with only memories of their pain and death.
Haunted by them, I could not take more.
Ching had told me once that Jay had been cursing in pain while in the hospital because it had hurt to breathe and he couldn’t breathe…I remembered then how it had hurt to breathe and how I pounded the hospital bed in pain as I coughed and choked.
I heard that Jay was telling his brother, “Enough…Enough…” He just wanted to stop and let go--- no more worries about the money for his medication and treatments, no more pain…
I had refused to have those memories.
This is how I remember him: that picture in
I don’t feel anything--- knowing that I have kept my distance because of this day.
Too late…Too late…Too late…
And tonight I will not go to a wake: I will do what makes me feel alive.
I will not give up my memories of Jay and just remember a coffin.
I wonder why Joey is worried about how I will grieve for this.
I will not. It wasn’t too late to prevent it: I prevented it.
It wasn’t too late… was it?
I will remember you and be happy--- because I remember you happy.
It wasn’t too late. It wasn’t too late. It wasn’t too late:
For him to die so that he won’t live in pain.
Now, he is relieved.
It wasn’t too late. It wasn’t too late. It wasn’t too late.
Please don’t make me feel anything.
I have to be fine for Joey.
I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine.
Yesterday:
“Budoy’s gone,” I said to Elena.
“I know. Are you back in
“Yep,” I said, “Joey will meet up with the rest tonight.”
Yesterday:
I sent a message to Egg in
“Oh my god! I’m so sorry to hear that…Wat hapnd?”
I told her what I know of what happened.
“Oh my. U ok? Hws Joey? Nd Ching?”
I told her that we were in shock but coping and that I haven’t talked to Ching about it.
“Hw r u? U afctd by ths? U at hm?”
I think I told her hours later that I was fine, was at home, wasn’t going to the wake but was going out that night.
“Ok. Dnt stress abt it. K? Ingat maus.Iwavyu.”
Yesterday:
“Bro, Jay Tan died today,” I said to TJ as he sat before me in the dining room. I told him what happened.
“Oh my god!” he said, then quietly, “That’s sad.”
I quietly laughed, “Yeah, that’s life.”
Last night:
Joey said, “I’m with Elena, Sly, TC. Going to the wake.”
I replied, “Ok.”
Elena said, “Sweetie, I just want to let you know that I’m going to the wake tonight.”
I replied, “Ok.”
Nobody knew where I was, what I was doing. Nobody would dare to ask.
Today:
Elena asked, “Sweetie, how are you?”
I replied, “I’m cool. You?”
She’s ok and “Are you going to the wake tonight?”
“Nope…” I replied, “…I don’t want to see him like that.”
Elena said, “I understand.”
Today I told Easy why I couldn’t go to Angel Radio’s gig.
He had a heart problem already, I said. Then May last year he had tonsillitis that hit his kidneys. Then he had to go through dialysis, then Kidney transplant, then pneumonia hit him, then finally a heart attack. He’s 33.
Easy replied, “holy fuckn shit.”
I quietly laughed.
Yeah, holy fucking shit: that’s life.
I almost cry but I shake my head: I refuse to cry.
I just want to be silent and curl on the floor and sleep and hope that I will not cry and when I wake up he’s still alive
today:
Life is holy fucking shit
and I want to take a knife from the kitchen
and slice open my lifeline beyond stitches
and cut the nerves that would paralyze my writing hand
or stab my heart.
The world right now is only allowed one fucking mistake.
One mistake.
You make that mistake and I fucking kill you.
I got my cool back:
The world is white.
There are no lines, no boundaries, no limitations.
I’m 29 but it’s 1999 all over again.
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