Spore n. 1. An asexual, usually single-celled reproductive organ characteristic of nonflowering plants such as fungi, mosses, or ferns. [New Latin spora, from Greek, a sowing, seed]
Or in my dictionary: males.
It’s nothing demeaning--- it’s just a necessary form of castration so that I (who has cause to be allergic to males among other things) can stand to be at the same place and time with them. And males are everywhere and I really can’t go around being allergic to them thereby literally castrating them because let’s see...it would be bloody and messy and I will go to jail.
It’s either look at males as spores or be a nun. I did think about being a nun but when I talked to Ma about it she said, “Diyos ko Mia kawawa naman mga madre sa ‘yo.” I agreed with Ma because we really can’t have the sisters going around like girls-gone-wild.
In my dictionary spores are also synonymous to male friends. This is a very effective way of setting up boundaries. I would not think of them as males so I would never think of having sex with them. Therefore I would not be automatically disgusted or give that signal that says “I want you” and they would respond accordingly.
Fact:
a female and a male initially become friends because they are attracted to each other on the very basic chemical and hormonal level. In short, they want to fuck each other but they are denying it or they are not really aware of it.
Fuck v. 1. No need to explain what this is but it comes from Old English, fuct, to sow seeds.
You can be friends with males my way or simply have sex with your male friends and get it over with. Get that sexual tension that becomes a nuisance out of the way so you can get down to being just friends.
Fact:
Most friends end up not being friends after they have had sex with each other.
Win:
One can simply be completely turned off from the other for sucking in the sack therefore just friends from then on.
Loss:
You doom the friendship because you can’t be honest and tell your friend that he/she sucks.
Loss:
You get buggered by “guilt” especially if your friend has a boyfriend/girlfriend.
Fact:
It’s easy to mistake sex for being in love or love.
Win:
You think you are both in love and just have to be in a relationship
Loss:
Even real relationships end.
Fuck-Fact-Win:
Be “fuck-buddies”. Both of you are honest enough about liking having sex with each other but you’re not in love and you don’t want to be in a “relationship”.
Fact:
Most females just can’t have sex with males unless they are in love with them.
Win:
A male now has a female friend who fancies herself in love with him.
Loss: He runs away.
Loss: She gets her heart broken.
Loss: Both lose a friend.
Fact:
Most males are on autopilot when it comes to sex.
Win:
They detect that “I want you” signal from female friends and they get laid.
Loss: She turns into a bitch.
Loss: He turns into a dog.
Loss: Both lose a friend.
Fuck-Fact-Win:
In love? Sex? What do those have to do with friendship?
Game n. 1. A series of games you play and you play it (to get what you want, to survive, etc.) depending on that list you call goals or smart-goals that are time-bound. Usage: “By 30 years old, I should already have a million pesos.”
2. You place your bets wherein a “bet” is a “choice” that you live with and through known and unknown consequences. Usage: “I am 30 years old and I have a million pesos but I lost the love of my life.”
3. Each time you make a choice, you bet your life on it. Usage: A young husband was away from his young wife on a business meeting with a business mogul and they were talking about the deal. The mogul said something like, “You have a more important deal to set up. You can have all this money. I have all this money but can you give me the love of my life?”
4. Of course you win and lose. Usage: to win more, try to foresee the known consequences and live with the unknown consequences of your choice(s). To lose less: think; know your faults and accept them, then change to become a better person to minimize chances of being in hell; know your strengths and hone them and become great to maximize chances of being in heaven. Synonym: calculating, plotting, evil, wise.
5. It’s not checkers: It’s chess: It’s not chess: It’s go: It’s’ not go: It’s life: It’s sowing seeds.
Playing games with spores
I. 6 years and life
“Who would have thought that at this age I would still have dreams?”
I smiled, “Well, that’s something. Most people at that age would just think that they’re as good as dead. What do you dream of doing?”
“I want to build public libraries and have a travelling IT van that can provide computer education for free.”
I said, “My, my...Okay, let’s make that come true!”
II. 11 years and life
“I think you’re the only one who really understands me and what I want to do.”
I said, “Why would I dismiss what you’ve been saying all this time? That’s you. Those are your dreams and to hell with people if they say it’s bullshit. I will support you whatever it is that you want to do.”
A laugh, a look, “I think I’m ready.”
I laughed, “Oh-ho! After ten years of fucking around with girls you think you are ready to play that game with me? Be very sure of what you will lose.”
We laughed.
III. 9 years and life
I said, “You know why I like him? He gives me the token passes. Every time. He keeps me on my toes so that I recognize a pass when it is made. After all, one becomes blind if one chooses to be blind and a whole lot of misinterpreted signals is a whole lot of mess. He knows that, too. I’m grateful for that.”
And this him once said, “Only you or women like you would think of outlining things like Ex-Sex”. Or this. He also said that I have got to be one of the most opinionated women he’s ever met: that’s why we’re friends.
IV. 2 years and life
Drunk, I asked, “You fell in love with her, didn’t you?”
“Yes.”
“When?”
“I saw her while everyone was drinking and talking and she was quiet and nobody noticed. She looked so sad. Then she looked at me and I just had to hug her.”
I asked, “So why aren’t you doing anything about it?”
“I promised her I won’t.”
More sowing.
V. 7 years and life
I laughed, “So pare, how come you never tried?”
“Jesus! Never even entered my mind! That’s the easiest way to lose your friendship!”
I laughed, “Smart man! Now what do you want to do with your life now?”
VI. 3 years and life
“I used to be an achiever back in school but then it didn’t mean anything to my family. Didn’t appreciate it. Parang wala lang sa kanila. What’s the point?”
I said, “Maybe you should adjust something in your head. Why not do it for yourself? Not for other people. Achieve things for yourself?”
A pause, “...But I feel that parang I’m invisible.”
I said, “Ah, that’s why you walk all hunched and head bowed. People bully you and take advantage of you. But it’s not true that you’re invisible. I saw you.”
“That’s why...”
More sowing.
VII. 9 years, 3 on official count and life
I said, “Pare, ala talaga sa atin di ba?”
“Ala talaga eh.”
We laughed.
“Kung noon siguro...”
I said, “Baka...Pero
We laughed.
I said, “Yeah, we just don’t want to fuck each other.”
“Di kita type eh.”
I said, “Ako rin. Kadiri eh. We’re saved!”
We laughed.
VIII. 9 years (11 on unofficial count) and life
“Teach me how to play that game.”
I screamed, “What!?”
“We all know you’re the fucking best in that.”
I said, “Why in hell’s piss would you want to learn that?!”
“Because I’m tired of being played around by...”
I said, “Ah, it’s because of that fucking bitch? No fucking way. You’ll lose what makes you so special which is you don’t play that game.”
“Then play with me. Only way I will learn.”
I shook my head, laughing, “Jesus. If I do that, I will break you. Go and play with others then come back and tell me if it was worth losing what you lost.”
IX. 2 years and life
I asked, “And what if I want you?”
All contempt, “I don’t operate on that level.”
Good for you. More sowing.
X. 19 years and life
I asked, “Do your parents know that you’re not in school? That you’re working?”
A shake of the head, a laugh, “As far as they know I’m still studying.”
I laughed, “Dude! You’re still getting allowance?! Dude! We’re old! Ah, but then again maybe all the standard stuff like school was never meant for you.”
A shrug.
I said, “Ah, parents sometimes can’t see. That’s all right. At least you’re working now so when they find out you can have at least that to say.”
Another shrug.
I asked, “Still doing drugs?”
A surprised look, looks down.
I said, “I know. You think I didn’t know all these years?”
“Days off. Something I do to kill time, in between stuff.” Tells me more what he would do before just to score or to get laid.
I sighed, “Kill time? Why don’t you paint? Or go back to sketching?”
Raises his hands and looks at them.
I said, “Haven’t you noticed that the shakes stop when you sketch or paint? I still have that painting you did in high school. Ma and Dad got it framed. It’s hanging in the house.”
“You really think it would have gotten me somewhere?”
I nodded, “You have that gift. Ever since. Sometimes our parents just can’t take things like that seriously. Different generation.”
A shrug. Then, “Where’s that story you wrote?”
I said, “I’ll bring it to you next time.” Then I asked, “Do me a favour? I know it’s not easy to stop but sometimes can you sketch something for me? Or even one painting. For me. Give it to me on your birthday?”
A pause, “Okay.”
I laughed, “Okay then. And don’t forget to use condoms when you have sex.”
More sowing.
Life: Games, Spores and Good-and-Evil-Me
If and when I ever look at a male as a man, there will be one of three reactions:
1). Ugh
2). Kill!
3). Shit, there goes the friendship
And sometimes I really see males as incomplete females. Maybe I really want to make them all females and become better species, so off with their heads.
It’s either that or to look at males and see spores (or cute and fluffy harmless animals). There will be no literal castration and there will be less males who would feel castrated. After all, I sometimes say we can’t really have males walking around as dickheads and feeling dickless, too. That would be bad for the ecosystem.
And this, beautiful ladies, gentle men and fabulous gays is what I call letting the narrative go: the consequence of waking up from a nightmare at 3:00 am and writing about eight languages in Filipino.
I’m going back to sleep.
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