For 365 without M who once told me, “You two are so stupid.”
For 10 years who says, “Others cry tears. Some cry blood. You cry words.”
For you
You never understood that about me:
You allow an absent mark to reach a six, it always comes in three:
One, a kiss to me.
Two, a kiss on me.
Three, a kiss inside me.
And I unmark me.
You think you know about loving?
You think you know about waiting?
How long has it been?
I think, It’s time again.
Take your time. I’ll wait.
I say to him, He’s here and I have to see them.
He says, I was thinking, I’ll just take you to them then leave.
I nod.
There it is again, that exclusivity.
I say, They’ve always been uncomfortable around you… Thank you.
For understanding that I am always theirs, no one else’s always.
I arrive before midnight.
I thought you wouldn’t come.
I laugh, You said take my time.
Where did you see that little shit?
I answer, Dredd.
Ah. Did you drive?
I answer, No.
Right, forgot you can’t drive anymore at night. What’s with the hair?
I say, I’m growing it.
After all this time? You look good.
I say, Thank you.
Looks away. Where is he?
I say, Outside. Waiting.
Why won’t you let him in?
I shrug, He’s always been uncomfortable around you.
A shrug.
I say, See? If you wanted him inside, then you would go outside and tell him to come in.
A laugh. Wait, I’m just going to take a bath. J!
Bathing. Singing, Resuene vibrante el hymno de amor…
Ah. I sigh. I listen to his stories of work and other things.
J says, Hey! Why are you taking a bath again! It’s just her! I don’t know why he couldn’t wait for tomorrow.
I say, He has lots to do tomorrow and leaving the next, remember?
Waste of time! Wasting it all on sleep!
I laugh, Man, that’s thinking old right there!
J says, How did you get here? I wanted to pick you up but he said to just wait.
I say, I was finishing something. He drove me.
J says, Ah. Damn. They won’t give me a car here.
I laugh, Dude, he never likes it when I go off alone. And they know you’ll kill yourself with a car. That is if you don’t goddamn exchange it first or lose it on a bet.
J laughs.
Comes out.
I say to J, Go ahead, your turn, take a bath. You stink.
I watch him become clothed.
I laugh, Jesus! Don’t tell me you two are the same size in pants now? And who’s taller anyway? Put on a shirt so that you can give me a hug.
J! Where are my shirts?
A shirt. A long hug. A sigh. A pat on my head.
I smile, Thanks.
J comes out, another pants, another shirt, another hug.
I say to J, You changed your boxers right?
J laughs, Yep. See?
I laugh, Go get your jacket. It’s cold. And go back to playing basketball, you’re getting fat. Waste of all that height.
Yeah, you tell him, at least I’m thinner now.
I say, Yeah, you lost weight. You okay?
Better now.
J says, Did you know we have the same watch?
I smile, I see.
I ask, You want him to leave now?
No, I’d like to see him.
J says, Where are we going?
I mumble, Definitely a fucking bar.
Doors opening, they chat a little, a stop.
I wait.
He says to me, Go ahead. I’ll follow.
J says to me while holding out his hand, Here.
A table, two benches.
Sits beside me. Doesn’t move when he arrives.
They barely talk.
I smile at him, I’ll be fine.
With them, he’s not allowed to hold my hand or kiss me.
He says, Call if you need me.
He excuses himself to leave.
They just say, Okay…Ingat, pare…
Mumbles.
I say, Huh? Who? What are you talking about?
J teases, We didn’t talk about it. At least not here and now.
I laugh, Shut up.
J says, I didn’t say anything!
What is it?
I say, Nothing.
J laughs, Nothing.
A scoff. I was waiting, just waiting for you to say when you would come when I heard you were back.
I answer, I always fyi you when I’m around. Your call. Except the last two times.
Yeah, I heard you checked out a gig. The other time I thought your sister was you. When was the last time J we were all together?
J says, Christmas, two years ago. We picked her up remember? We were worried because she didn’t show up at my house at the time she was supposed to.
I snort, Yeah, and you drove without your freaking eyeglasses. And how come you don’t wear them? You know, you look cute with your eyeglasses.
J shrugs.
I add, You came from duty. No sleep.
Right, that one. What in the hell was really going on with you that December? And next time, we’re not going out. We’re always interrupted.
I say, A lot of shit. And like I really fucking care what people would say. Am I supposed to be too good for all of you? And really, it’s your freaking girls’ problem. Remember every time I would come home in college? You boys would get I know she’s back so don’t you dare see her. Geez, your girls, what did they think we would all do? A gang bang? Talk about insecurity.
We laugh.
I laugh, Dude, did you know people are still so surprised that we are all still together?
A laugh. A nod.
J says, Yeah, from the very beginning.
I say, You weren’t close friends up until high school.
Yeah.
J says, What? No way!
I laugh, You don’t remember what happened when we were in grade 5?
J says, What?
I laugh, He beat the crap out of you.
That’s what you get for making her cry.
J says, Oh…Yeah…What did I do?
I laugh, J, you told me then that you would ride me like a horse!
J laughs.
You pervert. Really, what the fuck kind of thing was that to say to her and a Catholic girl?
I laugh, But this was when you hated my guts because Ma gave you shit for teasing me the whole time!
Man, your Ma’s something when pissed.
We laugh.
J asks, High school huh?
I laugh, DD turned into a straight asshole so he became closer to you and the rest.
We talk about the rest.
A laugh. There was last year.
I laugh, Yeah. You gave me a goddamn quick sermon about my smoking.
A laugh. You’ve got to stop that. Your lungs. M died and you end up in a hospital after around this time last year. Motherfuck, no more hospitals for you please.
I laugh, And what if I die?
Shut up.
I say, I’m going to die someday too, you know.
Shut up! I shut up.
Jesus. Christ. A shake of the head. Sorry.
I laugh, Hey, it’s okay. If you were any other person---
You’d drop me.
We laugh.
I laugh, So, can I get married now?
Doesn’t answer.
I say, Hey, I’m getting older. I will have to settle down, too.
How long?
I say, Ten years.
He’s had you for ten years. Ten years. Shit. This is why I don’t fucking count.
I flare, You won’t give your permission! I asked you on the 7th then the 8th! Why won’t you give your permission!
A shake of the head.
I finally ask, You will never allow me to marry anyone unless it’s him.
A nod.
I ask, But you won’t give your permission.
A nod.
I sigh, Why?
You’re ours. We lose you. We can’t lose you.
I am stunned that he finally says it, thinking that we really must be getting older to be talking this straight.
So, no, no, the answer is no, no way. You try marrying without my consent and we’ll all see. And don’t you even think of eloping with some other fucker just to say fuck it.
I ask, We?
I.
I say, We.
A nod.
I nod, Thank you for finally being honest. Are you listening to yourself?
A sigh.
I laugh, The problem in being so loved and worshipped is that it seems to be sacrilege to touch me.
A laugh.
I ask, And if I marry J?
J says, We do have that standing contract, remember? Until we’re 40.
I won’t object. That would be even better.
I ask, Really?
Really.
I ask, To keep me to us?
A nod.
I laugh, We’re retards!
Where are you going?
I say, standing up, Just getting the glass and the ice, see?
Why didn’t you say so? Tsk, I would have gotten it for you.
I say, Don’t spoil me. I’m old. And Jesus Christ I can go to the CR alone!
Right. Give me your feet. You’re going to stumble on those shoelaces. See?
Ties my shoelaces again.
I mumble, A student did that for me recently. You have to teach me how to do that with a song. Otherwise I don’t remember.
J says, You should have seen her when I took her out this summer. Man, she was so girly! Huh, and you come see me all butched out.
I shake my head and laugh, Remember last time you saw me all girly?
A wince.
I laugh, Yeah.
We share more stories that span the last two summers.
A laugh. I’ve forgotten that!
I laugh, Yeah, yours is a little bigger. Bigger hands.
J objects, Hey! How come he gets to read your journal!
I say, He’s not reading it sweetie.
I’m not. Just looking at the penmanship. Damn. You still have some of the stuff I wrote for you?
I shake my head and laugh, Sometimes I had a hard time telling which were yours and which were mine. And you know me, I just love burning things when pissed.
We laugh.
Yeah, that job, too. Fucking graduate so that you don’t stay in a dead end job like the one you have in the call centre. That will kill you, man. And where the fuck will you go with that job?
I smile, But I’m proud of you for getting a job.
J says, I have ten years before I marry you!
I say, No, at the rate you’re going, you have five. And I want to try to have a kid. I can’t have a kid at 40. See? He says I can marry you.
That’s cute. Just cute.
I say, No more drugs.
J says, I’ve been clean! You said stop so I stopped!
Bullshit. I can fucking test you, you know.
J says, I swear!
I say, And you owe me a painting.
Hah! He’ll likely paint as soon as we get home just for you. And tomorrow when we wake up, we’ll go straight to buy more painting stuff.
J says, I would like to paint you nude.
I say, Say when. I already gave you my consent for that years ago.
No. Hey, come back here.
I sigh and sit beside him, You said I can marry him.
A smile. A shake of the head.
I laugh, You think J won’t be faithful?
A laugh.
I ask J, If I’m your wife, you think you’ll want to fuck someone else?
J asks, How many variations are there of sexual positions again?
I answer with a laugh and add supposed variations of blowjobs.
Laughing, heckling, Stop that! You’re turning us on!
J laughs, Of course not! Who in his right mind would want to fuck someone else if he has you?! A nod. I said you can marry her but you can’t fuck her either.
I laugh, Great. In addition to my fucked up system, how am I going to have a kid then? There’s always Immaculate Conception. J, let’s pray for that.
We laugh.
A laugh. Long shot but yeah.
I say, Good. That really pisses me off. No respect for what? 18 years? 19 years? How many among us from the beginning can claim that? And we haven’t even done anything. You and I were never a couple. This is really fucked up!
A laugh. A kiss on my forehead.
I hug and pull away, I missed you, you know.
J sighs, You two! Want me to keep him here? I can, you know.
She tells me to stay with the sister-in-law instead. If I go out, she texts this and that. I would go, Hon, I’m talking to someone.
We laugh.
I say, Dude, she loves you!
J says, But like that?!
I shake my head at J, No, he has to get back. It’s gonna be the first anniversary of M. It’s bad enough that he’s missing out this year on his pledge to Ina by being here.
J shakes his head, You two!
I tease, His fault, he got married.
Hey, it’s true love! I love my wife and kids!
I smile, I know you do.
A sigh. Yeah.
I snort, You were such a fucking coward at that time. Couldn’t even tell me. You hid her from me and you married her in secret.
A laugh. You have him.
I laugh, You like him.
A smile. A shrug.
I smile, I shrug, Still, I’m happy you love her and the children.
Another one on the way.
I flinch. I say, Dude! What the fuck? Geez, what are you, hamsters?
They laugh.
I say, And see? We want to see the kids!
J says, Yeah!
We talk about the kids and laugh.
J says, You know that he has a house now?
I say, I remember Ma saying something about it when you last saw and talked to her. Where? Around that place where you and I would have our joyrides.
I squeal, Really? Wow!
I actually have a garden. You’ll like it.
I laugh, Dude, why do you think my Dad putters around the house and garden all the time? Helps you relax, no?
A laugh. Yeah.
I laugh, A garden’s good for the kids. You’re a daddy all right!
We laugh.
I ask, How old is your Ma now? Still in the States?
Yeah. 73. She has a damn pacemaker already. Your dad and ma?
I answer, 60. Ma’s in Florida. Dad’s here for now. Come by and see him some time. Talk. No hard drinks. He’s getting an operation…
A nod. Rubbing my back. You know, I began to understand what the hell was going on in your body and brain when I started studying that in one subject and why you went all that. Still painful? Damn, you just about drove me nuts that summer…
I laugh, Sorry about Ma.
A laugh. She would give me this look in the hospital and come out when I would open the gates for the car whenever we get you home.
laugh, Hey, hey, she would always say thank you and God bless you!
Another laugh. Then they had to take you back here… A squeeze.
J asks, Yeah, what was that all about? I have an idea but you never really told me everything. You weren’t there at that time.
I shrug, 99.
I ask, Does she know about that?
A shake of the head.
J shrugs then asks, Wasn’t your wife your girlfriend already at that time?
I laugh, She was?
J, shut up.
J says, You broke up with the boyfriend in 2000 right?
J! Shut up!
I laugh.
A laugh. 70. I beg him sometimes, Pa, please, it’s okay to let go and die. Please!
We laugh.
I say, Dad said that people live longer because they have a lot of shit to atone for. Just look at my parents’ mothers.
He might be right, you know.
We talk about families and the missing--- B being an Iron Man.
I laugh, No shit? How many sacks of rice everyday? That many?! And what else? And for 130 pesos only?! There you go, our country! And what of D?
B says that’s what he doesn’t like--- so goddamn deep in the drug business. I can’t even visit him because, man, the kids can’t be touched by that.
I say, You know, it was very good for us to have studied in a public school.
Yeah, grounding in reality. All are equal for killing. No matter where. All about survival.
I say, You know you’re really a nice guy under all that violent history and a violent one under all that cool exterior.
A laugh.
I add, And J, you’re really wasting all your family’s money in your shit.
We laugh.
And all our toasts for life and the missing M---
After a year, we finally grieve together.
Every time this all gets so heavy, I say M, M where the hell are you? Then I dream of him.
I say, I wrote about him last year.
Wrote? You couldn’t talk to anyone about him?
I shrug, Nobody would understand. I got heckled for saying I don’t want to talk about it but then I try to talk about it. You know, he kept things about me from you.
I know… How did you find out anyway?
J says, I was the one who told her.
Damn J! You don’t tell her shit like that unless you’re beside her! That’s why I didn’t tell her, dumbass!
I say, I’m glad you told me J. And I couldn’t come. I’m sorry…
If you came back at that time, I would have---
I say, I know.
He was always watching over you.
I say, Not always, just when he could.
We share stories about M.
We laugh.
He was bullying DD!
I say, What?! You guys weren’t even in the same school!
This was before that asshole got kicked out.
I scoff, Even I could take down A.
J asks, I could take him down, right?
I say, Definitely sweetie.
I say, Your best friend was such a fucking pussy. Still is. Mommy’s boy. And that gf of his? Geez. Just about castrated him. Tell him to fucking explore first. Live. Huh, thinks he’s way above all the others from the beginning, even you.
J says, And you know they have a house now just near my house? Doesn’t even come by for a chat!
I say, Doesn’t love us, that’s all. Fucking pussy. I bet the gf doesn’t approve of you.
A laugh. And you hooked up with him? His Ma was chumming to your Ma. And he couldn’t even keep you. Hah!
I laugh, Then his next gf was my ex. Does he even know that?
We laugh.
Then you go out with that asshole! What the hell did you see in him?
I smile, What can I say? Man, he was pretty. This is what that pretty boy would do: wait for me while hanging with his girls and boys to get to the jeepney stop, just goddamn looks at me, wouldn’t dare approach me, I go home with the girls, he goes home, I get home, 5-10 minutes later he calls. Every night. He puts the phone down when it’s Dad who answers.
They laugh.
I laugh, Now that one also had a brain but too rich and wanted to play a badass. He goddamn blew up something, remember?
J laughs, All your pretty boys!
A scoff. Right. You know he has a case now?
I laugh, Not his, he says, his brother’s.
Don’t tell me that asshole is still in touch with you?!
I laugh, Nah, he uses his people.
That son of a bitch!
I say, Dude, you have kids. Calm down.
And then recites a list.
I keep on laughing, J adding some, scratching out some.
No shit?
I laugh, Hey, hey, I never fucked any of them.
Just looks at me. Oh come on, with those horny pricks? Really?
I say, None. Dude, of course I kissed some of those boys but you really think I would fuck around given my background and with you and the boys around?
How the hell should I know?
J says, Yeah, man, you and your stupidity.
I laugh, Thank you J! It’s also called being young.
A shake of the head. Even if, it never mattered to me.
I laugh, Right. Because you were busy fucking---
Hey, hey, hey.
I tease, Want me to also list them? Though I think I did make out with one of your ex-girlfriends.
We laugh.
I laugh, You have the same standard. He says that girls don’t count.
They laugh.
He’s joking, of course.
I say, Of course.
J says, When we’re married, you can make out with all the girls you want, baby. Just let me watch.
We laugh.
Ah-hah, what have you been up to again, hmmm?
I say, Nothing! J! Shut up! I’ve been good!
J asks, Where are you teaching now again?
I answer.
They laugh.
I say, Hey!
I shake my head, I wasn’t given a load this term though.
Why?
I say, Some critical issue.
J asks, Critical? What? You slapped around some badass student or a teacher with bad grammar?
I laugh, Nope, I submitted the midterm grades a day late.
J says, So?
That usually comes with a letter of explanation right?
I laugh, Yep. I explained.
J asks, And?
I laugh, That’s it.
What the fuck?
I giggle, After I wasn’t given a load, I was told that everything in my record was good except for that critical bull. Then I was told to appeal because they said they needed teachers.
J says, Huh? That doesn’t make sense.
Wait, they used the word appeal?
I nod, Yepyep.
Laughing.
J sputters, Wait, told you, to appeal?
I laugh, Yep.
Laughing. Fuck it.
J says, You don’t fucking appeal! Fuck it!
I laugh, That’s right. I said fuck it.
We cheered.
I laugh, You should hear what my Ates said after hearing appeal. Man, I love my Ates. Those two are deadly.
They laugh.
I say, My deal regarding the family baby still good?
A nod.
I smile.
I say, I miss my students though. It goddamn almost makes me cry when a student texts Miss, I miss you!
J says, Wait, does this mean you’re finally going to teach in TIP Cubao?
What?!
I laugh.
A nod. The last time, he was not with me but talking to me through a picture.
I say, Oh wow. Know what that means?
A shrug.
I say, Want me to tell you?
A shake of the head. And what do you have in this bag?! Your damn arsenal again?
J answers for me, Books! Where’s that alien story you owe me? Hey, do you get your eyebrows shaved?
I say, Yeah, yeah, it’s coming along. Why the fuck do you want me to write a story for you to read about an alien anyway? And yeah, what’s wrong with my eyebrows? Too thin?
Dude, girl stuff! Tsk Leave her alone. You’re embarrassing her.
J says, I was just saying! You look different, older, good, different.
I say, J’s not an idiot, you know. He’s the smartest among all of us, remember? But just about fried his brain with crap, that’s all.
J laughs.
I say, And you’re the idiot for hiding that fucking brain.
A shrug. Right. J, read. She’s been translating the complicated stuff she’s saying to Tagalog just for you.
I smile at J, People say I look younger but I do look older. It must be the hair. Thank you!
I say, And like you didn’t rag on me about the tattoo!
A hand on my back. Censuring. Right, that one. Pulling my shirt lower.
J teases, You’re tattooed all over her!
I laugh, Not!
How many do you have now?
I say, None of your business! And you know I prefer guys without tattoos.
J says, That’s why we don’t have them.
If you’re getting one J, get a big one. A small one would be pointless.
I say, It’s all about the skin. You two have beautiful skin.
They heckle each other and compare skin.
Tells us stories.
We laugh.
I ask, And Manong?
A laugh. He’s stocking up on guns.
I laugh, I bet he got that habit during his stay in Mindanao.
A laugh. Most likely. Want your wish to come true now? And you know, three of the boys are cops now.
I shake my head and say, Ma.
A shrug. Say when.
I say, We’ll see.
I asked, Whatever happened to P?
A shake of the head. Disappeared after change in handlers of that whole drug network.
I say, Shit. Let me know when he surfaces. I have a book for him.
A shrug.
I mumble, Please don’t tell me he’s dead.
Hey, hey, don’t worry, ok? We’ll see, okay?
I say, J, want a kitten? We have a new litter. Good for you to start practicing how to be responsible for something alive.
J says, Sure! I can feed it to the dog!
I shriek, Monster!
We laugh.
That’s why we wear watches. A hand now and then covering my stomach. You’re thin. Frail, my ass. That little shit actually uses words like frail now? Goddamn little shit. Here, wear your sweater. It’s cold. Give me the other hand. There you go.
I laugh, I thought as much!
A pause. Where did you get this? without touching the blade.
I say, My guy best friend gave it to me.
A frown. Did you meet him J?
J says, a nice guy. Can easily be dropped. Had this big friend who asked me that night Man, just how tall are you and if I play basket. She got drunk, tired from class and work and all.
Tsk.
I say, Sit up J! You’re slouching again! You do know that he’s part of his barkada, right?
J says, I don’t slip in this, man. Every time someone’s hanging around her, I check them out. But you know how stubborn and sneaky she is. **A laugh. And did that one ever cross the line?
I shake my head, He has a girlfriend, loves her, barely see him nowadays.
J snorts, Looks like another one of those people. Man, she loves these people and then when they’re okay, they leave her.
I say, J, shut up. See?
Nice. Grip. No sliding from blood. Still know where?
I laugh, Am I going for a test again? Think my hands are faster than yours now? For a long time, I would always have something in my bag. Your doing. Do you know how fucking scary you guys were and watching you with those fuckers and cops at that time?
Laughing. You were one cool snooty brat. Scaring the shit out of us with that goddamn shout or that look. Man, even D would back off.
Looks at J. There was this one time that she was gonna go at these fuckers with an ice pick and the fucking idiots ran. From her! Laughing.
I wince.
J laughs.
Laughing, And we’re scary?
I slap his arm, Shut up!
See? That temper! How’s your rage-management program nowadays?
I slap his arm harder, Better now! Thank you!
Laughs, You need to wusa some more, kid.
I say, Fuck you. You’re only four days older, kid.
J laughs, Yeah, you people are old.
We say, Fuck you, punk.
We laugh.
I scoff, Really, if it were all up to my rage, I’d do whatever I fucking want and burn the whole fucking world while at it. Thankfully, we grew up to be saner.
We laugh.
J laughs, That’s our girl!
What the hell did he do to you to make you hit him?
Carefully, I say, Just something. The usual that makes me snap. It’s nothing.
Goddammit! He’s supposed to protect you! Not betray you! No matter what! Goddammit! That’s it! Goddammit now we’re taking you back! That’s it!
I say, Really now? Stay out of it. We do have fights, you know. And you’re going to trigger J. And then he’ll stick to me. What good would that do for him?
Not a bad idea! And how does that work?! How in the hell did he manage to make you stay all this time?!
I say, Lets me be. You really want to know more?
A shaking sigh. A shake of the head. Later. You and I will talk.
I say, Just as I thought.
I say, When I come back, let’s climb again.
You sure your system is up for it?
I say, Yeah, need to replace a memory recently.
What?
I say, Last time I went home, Chang said that she remembered Dad whacking the soles of my feet black and blue in high school when he found out I climbed with you guys. She said I was shrieking in pain. I fucking don’t remember that up until she reminded me.
Damn.
I say, That was the climb wherein we were looking for that hot spring that’s a hot spring resort now, I think. We got lost and then that mountain man with that bow and arrow and dog showed us how to get back to the main trail.
Yeah, I remember that.
I laugh, I remember Ma freaking out when we went climbing to the falls just months after my operation. She said I was going to rip my scar open. You soaked me in the freezing water for minutes to heal and toughen the scar. I hated that fucking scar.
That was one cold gin.
I laugh, Which you didn’t allow me to even take a sip!
A laugh.
I say, J, when I was about to change he told the boys, All right, look away! Then held the towel to shield me. You didn’t look right?
Of course not!
I ask, Was that after I got out of the hospital? Before I was taken back here?
A nod.
I laugh and shake my head, Man, Dad was one angry and mean bastard then.
A hug.
I smile, Hey, I understand. It doesn’t hurt me. I love my Pops.
All right, we climb.
I say, Dude, do we need a permission slip from your wife?
We laugh.
You’ve got to tell your parents. Otherwise, I’m gonna get shit from your Ma again.
J says, I’m going to kill those fuckers!
So you think you always have to blame someone for all the shit that has happened to you?
J screams, Yeah!
I say, You can’t. That’s life. And I can’t allow you to kill anyone.
Yeah, that’s life. Dude, calm down.
I say, You made your choices. You have to be responsible for the consequences.
J snaps at me, This from you?! You’re a fucking player!
I smile, Am I? You really think so? Let me give you a lesson, dear boy: look at me. You think I look like this because I play with people or fuck around with people? Differentiate playing, fucking, and loving and then get back to me. Until then, don’t fucking tell me what I’m supposed to be.
Watch your mouth J. You’re talking shit to her and I’ll fucking drop you right here and now.
J sighs, I’m sorry baby.
I say to J, It’s okay sweetie. We all do bad things when we’re angry or worried and hurt. The task is not to do that, you hear? J! You hear me!
J nods, Yeah.
Yeah. Who do you think will end up taking care of you?
I say, You take care of more than enough people. He will, won’t you, J?
J says, I will…I need you, you know.
I say, And I need you, too. So shape up.
J asks, You think someone will actually have me? Love me?
I ask, Why? You’ve been fucking around again? Or is there someone you like?
J says, I have these two girls but I don’t even touch them.
I say, Yeah, someone will love you. Believe me. See? I do. And you know how picky I am.
This is cute. Just cute.
I say, You damn possessive schmuck!
Am I? Look at all the freedom you have, hmmm? We’ll take you home. Don’t call him. You’re ours.
I wail, J!
J says, I wasn’t leaving you! I was about to get you!
I scream, You left me in the back!
Yeah, you fucking left her. With me. Great. Right. You go on ahead and we’ll catch up with you.
J says, No way in hell am I leaving her with you!
A sigh. And why the hell don’t you know how to commute here?! Not even the MRT?!
J answers for me, She can’t breathe in the crowd asshole! I’m sorry baby. I wasn’t leaving you, really.
I giggle, It’s okay sweetie. Y’know, I took the MRT when I was in Singapore.
J laughs, First time! You liked it?
I giggle, Yeah! Not crowded!
Let me guess, your Ates were holding your hands.
I laugh, Of course!
J laughs.
A laugh. Brat!
I laugh, I asked Ate when she was bugging me about going abroad again Will there be trains? She laughed and said, Yeah, yeah, yeah, we’ll find you a train. So I said okay!
J laughs, Where are you going this time anyway?
I laugh, I have no idea!
I laugh, And she was worrying about my taking a plane alone because she was thinking of just meeting me in Hong Kong.
You and your sickness of the rich!
I laugh, You already said that before! And brat? You and J are the spoiled brats excuse me!
J says, Hey! I’m not! I say, Then I’m not! We’re just fucked up!
We laugh.
Damn, kids, we’re drunk.
We laugh.
That’s it, no bed for us!
No, no, we’ll all sleep on the floor.
I say, Hey! This will be the first time we’re all actually going to sleep together! Wow!
You slept over my house once in high school.
I ask, I did?
Yeah. After one of those balls or concerts. I sure as hell didn’t sleep.
I say, Oh, yeah! Your Ma was waking us up with Pita na! Pita na! Who was that who woke up because he thought it was an announcement for available vagina?
Laughing.
J takes off my shoes and socks for me, says, Come here, sleep in the middle, my fiancée!
No way, punk. You, you stay put. Here, pillow. J! The other pillows!
J says, I’m dizzy.
Oh man, you puked in the sink? Dude! The toilet’s right there!
J mumbles, Let the maid take care of that later.
You suck. Cleans up.
He can marry you. He can’t touch you. When it comes to a kid, you’re mine. We’ve got to procreate that brain.
I laugh, What the fuck kind of deal is that? And what is it about all you boys wanting to knock me up! Some whacko fantasy? And you? With that honor? Hah!
Who knows?
I snap, Not gonna happen! If you think that will happen, then I’ll really turn myself into a whore first! Don’t fucking push me! You know I can do that!
You do that and I’ll really fucking kill whoever touches you! So don’t you push me in this!
I say, I’m just not my brain, you know!
Right. Like your brain hasn’t been running everything? None of them deserve you! Especially those you actually fucked after you left! Those who were so stupid to goddamn break your heart! And I don’t want to know for sure who they are because I’ll fucking kill all of them! And I don’t even want to think about the past ten years you had with him! Ten years!
I wince but say, Will! Not the brain!
Don’t you play your goddamn semantics with me! It sucks that I lend and have to borrow what’s mine from the very beginning! And don’t you dare tell me how I feel!
I shrill, My, my, see? Your brain seems to work when you’re around me you fucking idiot! Just because you’re bigger and taller doesn’t mean I can’t drop you! Wanna bet?
I move, block, a laugh. Tsk. Still aiming first for the throat and still pulling back. Afraid you’ll kill me?
I say, Got that right! A crushed trachea is more fucking painful for the fucker than the nose being slammed straight to the brain! You’re married and you have kids and I can’t marry and maybe have my own kid?
Got that right. I’m not giving you away that way. Damn it, don’t you get that?!
I say, You’re so fucking selfish!
Selfish?! If I were, I would take you now and would have motherfucking taken you a long time ago! And nobody can do anything about it!
I say, You want we just do it and get it over with?! Hell, I can do that too! Then that at least would stop bugging you!
You know I won’t have enough! Never enough! And that will destroy everything!
I say, Precisely why I don’t allow myself to be fucked by you!
Precisely why I don’t allow myself to be this near you! If I weren’t married, hah!
I shout, I still have him! I chose him!
You really think that would matter?!
I say, Yeah, shut up! I say to J, Sorry sweetie. Sleep.
J mumbles, I love you too baby.
I giggle, I love you too.
No, you shut up.
We shake our heads.
We’re friends.
I say, We’re friends.
We explode into drunken laughter, mumble more stories about the missing.
A hug, almost a kiss, a wrenched I love you to my ear.
I flinch again.
It’s been two years since I first heard that.
I still don’t say anything.
And this can’t go anywhere. Okay?
I say, Of course. I didn’t give you my consent to marry, you know.
A laugh, Yeah, well, look at us now.
I say, Dude, you left me.
You think? I never. We never. You had to leave. Life. But you’re here--- touching his heart. From the very beginning. The damn beginning… When the hell would this hell ever stop!
I don’t have an answer.
No.
I say, I do love him, you know, so much. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have stayed with him this long.
I know. He knows. And I know he really loves you. I think as much as I do. But I’ve loved you longer. You leave him, he will die. You marry… it will kill me.
I almost cry.
But I say, I have to stay away, understand? I know. Don’t stay away for too long this time. I say, Like you’ll allow that. Just enough time until you get it controlled again after tonight. We’ll all be ready in time and I will ask you again. But let J be free at least to see and be with the kids! Or I swear I’m going to have a talk with your wife.
A laugh. You will never be boxed.
I laugh, People are so stupid to be boxed by silly things that don’t really matter…You have to be ready to give consent next time I ask, okay? Otherwise, I will do this without you.
Don’t move.
I don’t move.
I ask, Was this all my fault?
No. Pulling away. Never. You can’t be faulted for people loving you.
I say, But look at how much it hurts.
Life. Go to sleep.
I say, Life.
I sleep.
Holds my hand, my calf, lays forehead on my leg, just breathes harshly, trembling while chatting with J, doesn’t say anything---
Until it’s time for me to leave.
I place my hand on his head and say, It will be okay. I’ll tell you next time I’m around.
Knowing that we won’t see and really talk to each other unless J’s with us.
I never tell him that I love him, too.
From the very beginning.
I say, I’ve always liked being with you two. I can just be me.
An exhale.
A bracing.
A nod.
I nod.
We smile.
We laugh.
We say, Life.
I leave.
I will never.
If I do, what do you think will happen?
(I wanted it to be just about you)
(I believed you when you said I will never make you cry)
(When I had first cried because you betrayed me)
(And kept crying because of all the things you’ve done to me)
(And finally cried because you left me)
(One said that I really love you)
(One said that they’re not you, but they love me, too)
But it has always been about this:
You knew that I would have to be shared.
(Many love you. Just let me always, you said.)
Perhaps you understood that about me.
But you never understood with whom and what you really had to share me.
So you never understood this about me:
I am marked
as Love’s whore
I am always marked.
You allow your unmarking to reach a six, it always comes in three:
One, a kiss to me.
Two, a kiss on me.
Three, a kiss inside me.
I choose who marks me.
And I have unmarked me
With the beginning
You think you know about loving?
You think you know about waiting?
How long has it been?
To survive Life.
Of course I had to leave.
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