Oh, don’t you worry: I’m so not doing a critical gig on Philippine Speculative Fiction. (My critical gig is the Happy Monday and just Philippine Literature in English, in general.) But I’m loving the sad, glad, mad and bad orchestra! It’s filled with all these black holes or bog or quagmire or shit pool.
Now, now, children, before you all get tangled in all these labeling and naming that, really, no one can beat Adam (biblical or ablative-wise) in that skill yet, may I make some elegantly wasted 13-stepping:
1) And before it is thought of that I’d like to fuck Adam David: yeah, I wouldn’t mind since he’s the only one doing it speculative-story-per-story but that’s just incestuous and his Kuya Basha whom we heckle as old as Lola Basyang (or with In the beginning, there was nothing and then there was BASHA!) will laugh his ass off at me. I just hate that laugh. And Adam and I like bitch-slapping each other offline, as in sabunutan. Yuck.
2) Refrain from using “Sir” and “Ma’am” said or will think this and that. Deadfuckgiveaway that you’re all puppies in this game. Therefore, I wince at your rara. Get into it when there’s no Mama or Papa in your syntax. Until then, explore your masturbations in the Academe and hopefully come up with something that’s so authentic-you when you get laid, get a degree, get a job, get a life, and get out of the hallowed/hollowed grounds. You really think REAL or UNREAL is in the Academic?
3) Evil wondering: what do you think are in the reading lists or history of the dinosaurs? Anything contemporary produced here and now in there? Baka naman may hymen-intacta-clause pa yan?4) Good god, ism-droppings are droppings. Shit, consolidate or at least make your personal poetics tangible first before venturing into the whole critical rara. You might get sucked into a shithole of a wormhole: like WHAT IS NEW IN NEW CRITICISM? WHAT EXACTLY ARE THE STANDARDS FOR A POSTCOLONIAL EVALUATION? HOW ABOUT A NEW POSTCOITALISM IN GLOBALIZATION? HOW ABOUT ANSWERING EDDIE ROMERO’S “Ganito kami noon…Paano kayo ngayon?” Or in the literary scene’s case, you may offend a lot of sensitive egos that will hu-hu-hu-hate-you! for the rest of your freaking doomed-to-be-unpublished-and-may-be-unawarded life.
5) Critiques that are so academic i.e. looks like an academic paper are so fucking boring to read. (And this coming from yours truly who loves fucking all these academic treatises.) According to my 115x10 to the nth power, if they wanted academic stuff, they’d go back to school or the public library. Be creative while being critical, why don’t you please thank you?
6) Instead of being pissed off when someone replies to your rara in the negative, take Mikael Co’s “woops, I opened my mouth too soon, yeah, discourse!” demeanor: it’s so charming I want to fuck him and it makes your rara delightfully instructive, too. Getting your cocks and cunts or whatever biscochos sucked are a bonus.
7) Or take your cue from Charles Tan: clarify, clarify, clarify AND elaborate especially if the critique came from a writer. That’s a prerequisite in Satan’s book. Yeah, I think I want to fuck him, too: S&M (Satan and Me) style.
8) Prerequisite: you read texts under the umbrella-ela-ela-eh-eh-eh of Philippine Speculative Fiction or at least have reading history in horror, fantasy, fantastic, weird, fucked up, adventure, whothehelldunit, magical realism, science fiction since the time of Mary Shelley or go farther like Australopithecus Tikbalanus. Speculative Fiction texts from the time of Big Bang or Genesis are optional. Maybe you’ll find the epistemology/etymology/eulogy/elegy of the word “speculative” or the phrase “all fiction is speculative” there. Moving along.
9) Perhaps you all want to replace “malabo speculative” with mas malabo “slipstream”? Philippine Slipstream Fiction? Puede! Matunog! As to what slipstream is, ask God or MTV or an ALIEN or WHOEVER CONCOCTED THAT TERM. And whatever happened to whole “make your own meaning in Philippine context movement”? What’s wrong with moving, anyway? Last time I checked, studying MOVEMENT is still part of the seven approaches to the study of Comparative Literature.
10) Ah, yes, that other favorite word: politics. Can’t avoid it. It is there, whether you’re conscious of it, want it, or not. Key words: POLITICAL FRAMEWORK IN THE EVALUATION OF TEXTS. When you say “I don’t care about politics when I write” or talk, breathe, choke, eat, shit, drink, piss, fuck et cetera---- that is politics already. And Dead Mao says, “It’s a long and painful process.”
11) If your texts get thrashed, well, save your drama for your papa or mama. It’s all part of the business. We generally hit the texts, not the Metatron-behind-the-texts. I just love bashing those who dish and take personal. In my head, I’m Dead-Heath-Ledger-Smiling-Whacko-Joker: WHY SO PERSONAL?!
12) BUSINESS: we all have our roles. Now, now, we can’t JUST expect Dean Alfar to address all of your speculative demands for POETICS THIS, POLITICS THAT, PUBLISH THIS AND THAT, PROMOTE THIS AND THAT, EXPLAIN THIS AND THAT, WHATEVER THESE AND THOSE. Be fair: demand from all writers, editors and publishers under this umbrella-ela-ela-eh-eh-eh. Like: What’s up with these speculative writers and their sordid love affairs with the semicolon or titles like “A Ghost Story” or “Just Another Ghost Story”? Or: What in God’s name was Cristina Pantoja Hidalgo thinking when she selected texts and covers for that Tales of Disenchantment? Maybe: Why did Anvil have to open a new fantasy publishing line? Or: Why the hell is STORY Philippines so SUPERSIZE-ME? Be a Punk: why don’t you DO IT YOURSELF. Be a Human Being: EVOLVE. And yeah, I suppose it can be thought of that I want to fuck Dean Alfar, too. And add Nikki because I find her hot while you’re at it.
13) Perhaps limit the scope of your questionings first to find your answers then explore beyond? Look up, then down, then twist and turn: UY, SPACE! Now STRETCH! STRETCH! RA! RA! RA! RA!
Kung titirahin ako dito, ayos lang: write it all out in your own space. My Supercollider Web Elves disabled my comment box eh. And don’t forget, have fun!fun!fun! while you ra!ra!ra!
Labels: Shotanginamesh mamamatay ako sa kakatawa.
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