My Junkie Valentine

Celebrate a day before, hold a vigil until it’s midnight and now the day. I hated this day last year. And maybe always had. Another first, it feels like, this Valentine. A drink called Colombian Druglord. How could I resist that. Three of those. I’d like more “drug” in the “lord” please, ha ha, thanks darling. See, I say to Valentine---

We can all be very snooty to folks like servers. What I’ve found out through the years is that people do what you want them to do when you’re nicer. Look at the MMDA folks. Yeah man, they’re bribe-crocodiles. Scream their heads off and you’ll get nowhere. Now be charming and smile and say whether or not you’re guilty of the traffic violation like “Manong, I got my period eh so I’m in a rush.” Or “Manong, natatae na po ako eh, so puede…” Or “Manong, I need to go to the hospital”. Shit like that. And say thank you.

Look at the guards and the jeepney driver a while ago. When you get off, say thanks. Look at him. See that face light up and maybe smile and maybe you’ll hear the “You’re welcome”. Of course there’s the quick look that passes and says, “Is this alien for real?”

Valentine heckles, If you smile at folks, especially the guys in the MRT, they’ll probably ask you “Magkano?” Ha ha, I don’t look like a prosti, man. But hey it’s logical if some would probably think, “Oooooh yeah, this chick/dude digs me! Jackpot ampota.” Kapal naman ng mukha ko ‘di ba. Valentine says, If I smile at some guy I’d be mistaken for gay. Then I’d end up beating up someone. I laugh, shrug. There’s a smile that’s just a “Hi, Hello, Person, I’m freakin sunshine” smile. And not the “’Sup? Wanna get it on?” smile. It won’t hurt anyone, you know. They’re not furniture, you know.

Valentine laughs and wishes that this thing worked when it came to people you love, people you’re in relationships with. Maybe if we had all done that then relationships and marriages that have failed wouldn’t have.  Yeah, it’s difficult at times to see how mean we have become when you and I and love have become furniture through the years. It’s just there and years pass and we forget to work on it. Then love becomes as tedious as work. Then we’re just tired and it ends.

Then who was once your life companion, this man you called boyfriend or husband or this woman you called girlfriend or wife, is now just somebody you used to know. Years with the person, all that time shared, now reduced to two people who don’t talk to each other, strangers, anger, resentment, then nothing. That is sad, you know.

Valentine drawls, That’s how it is. To move on. No such thing as a good break-up you know. Yeah, I say, But that’s what we’re striving for--- grace in shit like that. We all wish we could be friends after but it all depends on how it ends. If in the end you just get cut off and that is like a scream halted. Your mouth is open, and there are tears of painful futility in your eyes, and no sound is coming out. No breath. Do you regret leaving your marriage?

Valentine sighs, There are always days wherein I would ask if it was fair, if I had indeed done everything possible to save it and stay. But I had done everything, worked on it as best as I could, fought for it, and there I was still becoming more and more of a monster. I wanted to be happy. Time is precious, life is too damn short.

Yeah, and sometimes you’d get called selfish or self-absorbed because you do the things that would make you happy. But hey, if someone wants to be happy and is unhappy with you then go. So you left. So he left. Women are not wired to leave commitments. We only leave when there’s the limit finally reached. As to what that is, only the woman would know. I do believe in marriage, something that I wouldn’t do lightly. I give that commitment and that’s til death do us part and I’d be playing it all straight.

Valentine asks, So why didn’t you say yes to those who asked. I laugh, It’s the easiest question to answer they say. I didn’t say yes because they wanted to spend the rest of their lives with me but I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life with them. Couldn’t see it. I was younger too so I had yet to understand those things I knew. And my marital models were fucked up ha ha.

Valentine nods, Yeah, that’s when I became a man, you know. When I would hear my parents arguing and one day I woke up and Mommy said to me that they’re going to separate. I was just a kid then. And there I was comforting my mother, keeping her together. I had to be the man. Marriage does not work. And I married because I had to, not because I wanted to. It had to be done and we do what is necessary. I tried. We tried.

Models, I shake my head. How do you begin to believe another “I love you” again when the model of that proved to be untrue. How do you begin to say it and mean what it really means.  I laugh, What does it mean now, hmmm? On this day, hah!

Valentine laughs and says that Valentine’s is not for making love or sex or whatever you would call it. It’s for spending time with the people you love. I laugh, remembering how Valentine had said “Love you” in a text conversation. Valentine just came from Caloocan.  Now say “Caloocan” and Valentine and I would blare the chorus of Los Chupacabras’ “SA CALOOCAN… SA CALOOCAN…” History says the place is known for its supply of Meth.

We don’t say I-love-you-shit like that to each other, comrades. I had sniped, “The fuck has Caloocan done to you?!” Valentine figured that there’s nothing wrong in telling people who matter to you that you love them.  Well, shit, that made me blink. Yeah, we’re all too much of terse badasses.

A song is playing. Valentine asks me to dance. No shit. Jesus fucking Christ it’s been years since I did this. Slow and sweet. No mozzarella shit. I heckle, So, does your hand on my hips make you want to pull me closer the way you felt with your high school prom date? Valentine laughs, Oh shut up.

And Valentine says, I love you. I ask, Why? I was with a guy for years and he couldn’t answer that. Later on he said that he loved me the way a child would love parents. Valentine curses again.

Valentine says I love you because you showed me that life is precious when you tried to kill yourself on my 19th birthday. I wanted to take care of you since then. I love you because you’ve always been there for me. I love you because you accept me. I love you because you respect my choices even if you don’t agree with them. I love you because you make me want to be a better person. I love you because I want to spend the rest of my life with you, no shit man. We are constants. I love you because you believe in the unconditional. I love you because I can’t stand being pissed off at you even when you do piss me off and I hate you. I love you because you’re my best friend… 

And because Valentine is my best friend, asks the most difficult of questions like Does sex still make you feel dirty? I shrug, cry. Valentine wipes my tears. I say, It’s been so long since you were this sweet. Oh where have you gone oh sweetheart? I missed you like this.

Valentine cries, says, Sometimes we forget those who matter because of the things that need to be done. Thanks for reminding me. And remind me again when I turn into an asshole. I wipe Valentine’s tears and say that I hated this day last year. I couldn’t feel my heart then and only felt the hurt and lonely hearts around me. And it’s sad because I couldn’t even remember Valentine’s before that. Those many years. I remember the Valentine’s before that guy. I was with the ladies. And I didn’t like why this day all had to be such a big deal.

Valentine smiles, Did you know that Fratmen are supposed to wear dress shirts on this day. I laugh, No shit? And what are fratboys supposed to do? Give your sweethearts and crushes or the cutest girl you see a flower? I wouldn’t really know and that’s what I get for going to the abnormal college. Valentine laughs, I’m a romantic at heart. And you’re more jaded than I am. I say, Hell yeah and yes you are that’s why you like to sing.

Another song plays. I say, I’ve always liked this song and the movie. The mirror has two faces. You’ve seen that? Valentine says no, asks is that Bryan Adams? Yep, and Barbara Streisand. In the movie was Jeff Bridges. He was a mathematician and she was this spinster Literature professor. He had the idea of making a relationship work by taking out attraction from the love equation, love hurts and all that and he got burned. Blamed her for ruining their companionship because she no longer wanted a sexless and loveless equation. She left, turned herself into a hottie. He realized his mistake in time, was miserable, then he went after her. There, happily ever after.

And I begin to hum and I sing some lines.  And I say to Valentine, I love you too. Valentine asks, How’s this day now? I say that seeing all that red no longer makes me feel like a bull. And on the way home, I look at the flowers waiting to be bought and delivered and the red and pink balloons and I find myself smiling. I say, It’s good that today people remember love and that hope. I feel my heart beating. It’s sweet.