Suddenly
the Philippines is Singapore,
2008 is 1972,
and I got slapped with 1081s in writing
with a matching finger-duro to my face
when Big Bayaw said:
Who are you to say these things?
Doesn’t matter if you have [educational/professional] background, but WHO ARE YOU?
Because even Sir…Sir…Sir…or Ma’am… don’t even say what you say [regarding comments on written/read texts].
And nobody, NOBODY blogs or even diss this.
My immediate thoughts:
You didn’t find it funny?
You think?
And why is it that nobody writes about it?
Takot? Busy ang career? Di puede magsalita about it kasi pag-iinitan?
Don’t you think that blogging about poetry readings serves as free advertisement, PR, write-up, and testament for such?
Who would know that these poems were read therefore exist at all [except for the readers and their friends] because most of them have not been published?
Who would know that such budding talents exist?
Wow, bakeeet issue ito?
I opened my mouth to speak but Big Bayaw was in The Planet of The Apes and roared “BOW YOUR HEAD!”
Transcribing my brainwaves:
No wonder some people tell me when I tell them “I’m going to Happy Day! Coming?” with “Why should I go there again?” and (more):
“self-important and borrrrrring”
“those magnet poetry fuckers”
“humorless bastards”
“so whiny!”
I didn’t tell these people to shut up. I just kept on coming…listening…writing about it…something must be really wrong with me?
Someone who has heard of this latest fracas [not from me because I only found out about it upon my return to the jungle last Friday, officially last Saturday and I sure as hell was not the one making noise] had laughingly relayed to me, “Magtayo ka ng sarili mong poetry scene sa Hemady para competition.”
To Manoy Joel Toledo: I will not do that [as long as I’m not barred from Mag:net by Rock Drilon himself and vicariously by the singing waiters to “Patay na babae sa loob ng bahay!”].
And you have my foreword. Besides, ang hirap kaya ng trabaho mo so di ko dream gawin ito!
And I love the waiters there! They give me all the tap water I want for free!
Ya-Ya!
Anyway, Big Bayaw had told me to do the following because it’s the “right” thing to do:
1081.1 If I have something to say [about written/read texts], then approach and give it to author directly.
1081.2 Or e-mail it to author.
1081.3 Don’t blog about it.
Given the Big Bayaw Position above,
may I humbly communicate to all the teachers out there
of English, Literature, and Creative Writing
that you would likely do one or all of the following 1081s:
1. Conduct séance in order to communicate to dead authors what students think of their works.
2. Provide a list of contact details of authors in your reading list.
3. Ban critical discourse in the classroom which means no delightful or awful expository papers or creative works to check.
4. Dissolve English, Literature and Creative Writing curriculum--- to the glee of Ngugi Wa Thiong’o.
5. Exterminate Writing Workshops--- to the relief of people like my friends Aoux and Basha who laugh [therefore keeping me grounded with laughter] at “fellows” and “writers” and our “too much drama!”
6. Hell, take out the General Education Program in Higher Education.
7. Stop teaching: you are rendered obsolete.
Given the Big Bayaw Position, may I respectfully communicate to all who blog out there yo-yo-you who understand what blogging is: OH MY GAD ANAK NI JANICE! I CAN’T BELIEVE IT KAPENG MAINIT!
What Big Bayaw’s 1081s were simply saying is:
If I blog about written/read texts, I have to show that I love your poems-stories-essays-novels that might be crap.
If I blog about written/read texts, I have to show that I love your friends’ poems-stories-essays-novels that might be crap.
If I blog about written/read texts, I have to praise and champion not criticize your and your friends’ poems-stories-essays-novels that might be crap.
If I don’t do what Big Bayaw told me to do:
My texts that might be crap won’t be loved.
I will be barred from magnetic event(s).
I will be expelled from magical circle(s).
If I think it’s crappy I SHUT UP.
I have to agree with you or I SHUT UP.
I have to be like you or I SHUT UP.
If you don’t want to share with me (or anyone who may value critical thinking) your texts:
1. Make sure oral readings are closed to the public.
2. Read your texts aloud in a friend’s house or wherever that I and the public have no entry.
3. Don’t get it published (in print or online).
That way, the whole purpose of oral readings, publications, literature, and critical discourse would be defeated.
And I (and the public) would never get to know, think, talk, or write about it---- in this blog, my journal, in bars, on water, in my sleep…
What Big Bayaw was telling me is:
I can’t think what I think
I can’t do what I do
I can’t write what I write
in my blogspot (that extends to the real world) about whatever
because Big Bayaw said “ people read it”.
Therefore I control people’s minds (?)
[And whoever’s reading this will probably say: ANO RAW??]
God-In-The-Machine raw ako mga Dudong and Diday.
Thanks so much for reading the blog!
But, well, balon--- did I dictate to the readers to read me?
Is it my hand(s) and mind(s) through PC’s at home or in Internet Cafés or laptops in Wifi Zones that click on to this space?
Should I check or make use of programs that would enable me find out who reads me so that I can police their thoughts, too?
If I were to assume the Big Bayaw Position, blogging then would be like being published on print and actually tracking down those who have bought copies of the issue or book and hound them with, “You can’t say shit about it!”
If people want it to be known that they are reading this space or whatever and what they think, then they would let it be known.
Allow me to give you an example:
Katitang and I haven’t talked since October 2006. In the previous space, I wrote “Free Haphazard Lesson on Playing Games” on October 30 2007. She left a comment in my comment box:
Katrina said...
Hey.
Reading about this made me laugh. Who'd have known that this sordid tale was what it took to break my silence? Thanks for writing about this. It feels like it happened a lifetime ago.
Sorry it took so long. Didn't know how to start, you know? What am I saying? Of course you know. You always know.
But THIS. This was probably the best way to start. LOL!!!
If it's any consolation, I'd have slept with you, too ;-).
Wouldn't THAT have been the perfect revenge?
I miss you.
(Oh no, my name will appear at the end of this comment...will that reveal too much? Sayang naman your attempt to keep them anonymous...)
I didn’t reply. I didn’t know that she was reading the blog until the comment. I thought about it. On December 28 2007, I wrote “Dear Katinka: A Letter Finally Sent.”
On January 3 2008, she sent me a Stateside text message, “You realize you are officially the first person who has made me cry this year. Hay. Read your blog. Miss you, Mi. Hope you’re OK. Or at least being fantastic in the pursuit thereof. : -) Love you still and always.- Katitang.
And I couldn’t reply. I still couldn’t say what I wanted to say so I replied with a Timpanelli quote to express how I felt: “…Un gruppu di chiantu…knot of tears…she was afraid that if she touches it, it would unravel her.”
Here’s another kind of example:
When I was with Aoux last Saturday, he relayed to me that someone had sent him an anonymous text message last December. Something like, “I have read what she wrote…I can match wits with you and Basha but tell her that she shouldn’t make people feel stupid.”
I said, “Di nga? Tang ina? Sino yun?”
He said, “Ewan ko nga. Di ko na sinave. Pakialam ko di ba? Pagod ako sa trabaho.”
I said, “Naku, pasensya na ha? Sorry.”
He said, “Sus. Wala yun!”
I asked, “Do I really make people feel stupid?”
He laughed, “No! If they feel stupid, problema nila yan! Alangan naman you pretend na tanga ka para ang mga taong ganyan feeling henyo?!”
I laughed, “This much trouble huh? And I’m not even getting paid for it!”
And Aoux doesn’t even read my blog because he has no idea what the URL is and I’m not even giving it to him.
And Big Bayaw had said:
Bakit pa kasi kelangan isulat sa blog?!
I hate blogs!
This space, this blog, is a venue for critical discourse of everything in life---- because I don’t have the venue of a newspaper or magazine column, a radio spot, or a TV program and I decided not to join the New People’s Army or run for public office.
And masisira kutis ko at boses ko kung magrarara ako sa streets like activists and missionaries. Baka majombag pa ko ng batuta, maiyak dahil sa tear gas, o
matutukan uli ng baril na hindi fun experience ha?
Lalo na nung tinanong ko yun shooter “And baril mo ba pumuputok?” Muntik na niyang maiputok dahil muntik na siyang matawa. Almost but not quite ba. Eh ano pa ba magagawa ko nun kundi magpatawa? Buti na lang wala siyang batuta kasi malamang tatanungin ko rin siya, “And baututa mo ba humahaba?”
At ikamamatay ito ng Nanay ko! Apir!
Given the Big Bayaw Position, should I then begin to impose a roll call on who reads this space so that I can monitor ala Big Bayaw:
Identify yourself:
With me.
You are required to make a comment:
And you have to agree with me.
If you disagree:
You are banned.
Read me:
Become my puppet or version of Single White Female.
If you don’t do what I want:
Fuck off.
Should I also inhibit your choice to keep your silence or speak up?
Should I also restrain your freedom to agree or disagree in whatever form?
Big Bayaw had said:
If you keep on writing what you write, then this becomes a matter of write off.
You want me to write of you, too?
What Big Bayaw was saying is:
If I don’t shut up, Big Bayaw may or will write of the stories of my life that I have shared in confidence [in/with person].
Write off:
Ganun?
Betrayal of trust chorva?
Bukingan Blues?
Suntukan sa pagsusulat?
I write worms(?) from your life and you write worms(?) from my life?
Then we both write and see who writes better mud ba?
Participate in a writing contest in malice?
Who wins what in that?
Ah, this life we are in--- writing and criticism--- has become this threatening position. Write according to what is dictated otherwise you will be declared an enemy, you stop being friends, and that you will be destroyed.
I had smiled at Big Bayaw Position and Big Bayaw Perception angrily clipped, “Are you mocking me?”
I shook my head, “No, no.”
I had smiled: I found this very funny because this is very sad and we were friends and we both found this sad.
Of course Big-Bully-Writer-Bayaw had made Bad-Bitchy-Critic-Me cry there and then: dehydrated after in fact and I think I bawled mucus and snot all over the thin hands and arms hugging me after.
I’m not sure if that’s what was wanted or needed but it was gotten anyway.
I cried— that’s what we do when we have tear ducts. I also didn’t and don’t cry to people about this or whatever issue and say “WAAAAAAAAA! S/H/IT IS MAKING ME CRY! KAMPI ME! KILL!” And I cry when I find something very funny.
It is funny when I am being bullied to conform to Big Bayaw Position and Big Bayaw Perception which apparently couldn’t take criticism, funny or seriously.
That is the issue when it shouldn’t be even an issue.
What Big Bayaw’s [Shouldn’t Be An] Issue Is:
Don’t criticize texts
Because?
You are stopping US
From?
Writing
our whatever
(in private)
Really?
and
our whatever
(IN PUBLIC)
I am?
YOU are calling it crap
So?
It’s not.
Why not?
It hurts!
Truth?
SHUT UP!
Ay, sinigawan ako, afraid… of the FACT:
When you write something and make it public, of course it will be criticized.
So Exfoliate Onion Skin,
And Develop Pink-With-Laughter-Elephant Skin,
To Avoid Super Sensitive Skin Excoriated.
You wrote it and you stand by it.
If it has a point, it will be remembered.
If it’s absurd, who the fuck will care if it’s written?
If it’s crap, then write better.
Don’t let the critic stop you from writing.
In fact it can make you write better.
Then it becomes your “fuck you” to the critic.
A gesture which I would appreciate!
If the ‘fuck you’ is Gold or Platinum or Uranium, bravo!
This is who I am: I write that it’s “crap” if I see it as “crap”.
This is who I am: I write that it’s “gold” if I see it as “gold”.
This is who I am: I can’t write it as “gold” when it’s “crap”.
Big Bayaw was dictating that I stop being who I am.
I’m not even writing of Big Bayaw as a person:
Big Bayaw is this (un)consciousness and
a position that threatens writing,
threatens critical discourse,
threatens individuality,
threatens literature,
threatens life.
Suddenly
Big Bayaw:
Year 2008 is 1972,
the Philippines is Singapore,
and I got slapped with 1081 in writing.
I am still writing
because of people who also wrote like the late Lolo Pepe Diokno with “A NATION FOR OUR CHILDREN” and fought Martial Law in this country since 1972 in the level of words and events and----
I am a may-yabang product of UP.
And sabi nga ni Pooh sa text message niya:
UP made u in sch a way tht whn d world is sitting, u wld b standing…
& whn d world is standing, u wld stand out…
& whn d world stands out, u wld b outstandng…
& when d world trys 2 b outstanding, u wld be d standard.
(In short, nagng pasaway ka…)
1sng msya at may-yabang na sentenaryo sa iyo, taga-UP!
Pitong taon inabot ko bago ako grumaduate eh. Bumalik pa for more. Kung di ba naman ako matuto nun noh?! Kakahiya naman sa parents, siblings, pamangkins, boyfriend, friends, stalkers, fans, enemies, professors and 100 years of UP if I don’t apply it di ba?
----so that in 2008 we can be free to live and create crap and live and object to crap and no Big Bayaw Macoy ever again gets to tell or kill someone to “SHUT UP!”
I am Mia Tijam and I write against Big Bayaw Martial Law.
6 comments:
"...If they feel stupid, problema nila yan! Alangan naman you pretend na tanga ka para ang mga taong ganyan feeling henyo?!”--I liked this line.
I didn't read everything, but I think nakuha ko kung ano tungkol yung post. Alam mo, if Mia (from five years ago) get to read this entry, baka may gripo ka na sa tagiliran. He he. And that last line? With your name???? Full name?? Helloo??? Tatamaan ka ng kidlat ni Mr. Google.
In line with the topic, ang weird ng mga tao noh? If you spill your own thoughts on your own blog, people start accusing you as "pa-intellectual" and such. Ano ba, kasalanan mo bang matalino ka? Bawal na bang maging "high-brow" sa sarili mong blog? Pucha, ako nga, sa pagsusulat lang ako nagkaka-kilay eh. Totoo he he.
There's this one psycho nga who keeps on insisting (and it's been what, EIGHT YEARS, na ginagawa niya ito--almost half of those years directed sa blog ko) na "the more you rub it in that you're intelligent goes to show that you're not so smart to begin with." Something to that effect. The thing is, I never used that adjective (yung intelligent ek) to describe myself. I just happen to know some things that probably this person didn't know about despite the huge age gap between us, which is 7 or 8 years ("it" being older). And it's definitely not my fault to talk or write about things that I happen to know about. Alangan naman mag blog ako about showbiz chismis when I don't know shit about it. Much better, wag nalang sana niya basahin ang blog ko if she feels degraded by it.
Oo nga naman, kelangan ko bang mag pretend na bobo o tanga ako?
I'll end this comment with a quote from this book that I'm currently reading (hindi ko nalang babanggitin kung anong libro at baka masabihan pa akong mayabang o pa-intellectual):
"do you know the hallmark of the second-rater? It's resentment of another man's achievement."
Yebah.
Weee! I got quoted! Wala akong pakialam sa issue. Basta quoted ako. Hahahahahaha!!!
Tsk. They are poets, after all. Scary, scary, scary bunch. I meant that in a bad way, but it can be good, I suppose. *farting noise from nose because of holding laughter in*
I miss our angry rants marathons. Do one on takatak boys next. Oooh, or one the deplorable state of organized religion. Sweet.
Hachacha.
You bitch. Najombag ako ng batuta mo. Hehe.
Mia, you are smart; I give you that. Still I think that it’s smarter, not just out of good breeding but common decency, to not make other people feel “not smart.” To begin with, you shouldn’t call other people names. I get that you have pet names for the people close to you, like how “the cat” is Joey and “basher” is Basha. But there are some whom you didn’t even know well enough to deserve what you call them. That’s just bullying.
Second, I don’t think you have a right to criticize, say, Gelo’s work, when you can't cough up anything better yourself. A Palanca winner vs. a mere short story contributor to that speculative fiction THINGIE?? Don’t dare belittle that achievement of his when you yourself dream of winning a Palanca. I remember you telling me you stopped teaching to concentrate on your writing in time for the Palanca last year. What became of it? (At kung talagang matalino ka, bakit doon ka lang nagturo? Buti pa si Katz, maganda na, maganda rin ang ugali, sa Ateneo nagturo. Naku, I bet you’re gunna say it has something to do with her dad!)
Third, reread my first sentence. Matalino ka na, sobrang binibigay ko na sa ‘yo ‘yan. Kaya please lang, huwag mo ng angkinin na maganda ka rin! Because you are definitely far from being pretty. And that’s not bullying on my part, that is fact. More so, it is definitely something you have to accept and force down your throat because your so-fiction stories of friends thinking your “artistahin” and male friends getting hard ons from hugging you are just hilarious. Annoying. And insulting to them. Meron pa about how someone was supposedly trying to look down your cleavage. Pwede ba?! You haven’t got any, just pimples masquerading as boobs! You only look interesting because of your short hair and glasses. Take those out of the picture and you’d look no different from those girls from third-world countries clinging to their foreigners. (I bet you get A LOT of indecent proposals from hey-joes.)
Stick to non-fiction. And don’t threaten me that you're going to wear shorts! Gad! Pwede ba? Talo mo pa Cebu Pacific sa dami ng piso-piso ng legs mo!!
Oh. My. Gawd. What the - ?
(Because I had nothing better to do, I decided to dissect this fascinating insect of a comment. Probably a dung beetle of some kind...)
Interesting to see how some people can post here and still don't get the motherfucking idea that if you're going to say something, come out and say it rather than hide under a nom du guerre. Idiot. But that's irony for you. (Warning! Big words in the text so check your dictionary as I have no compunction to slow down to explain what they mean.)
As for bullying, isn't that what you're also doing? Oh wait, that's just your opinion, which is what blogging is all about. Which is what these posts are all about, yes? So who gives you the right to tell her what to say or post? Oh yes, a total wuss-head who thinks that "decency' and "good breeding' should prevail over freedom of speech. And once more the point of this post is proven right. Excuse me while I break my upraised little finger while gagging over the idea of "decency" and "good breeding." Tea, anyone? No wonder the Victorian English were sexually repressed.
Likewise, bullying is only if persons concerned are affected, i.e. affected ka, yes? Poor you, reaching out for anger when a neuron tap-dancing in your brain to generate some thought would do much better. Still, I do think that it's not bullying what you're doing but rather cowardice. Plain and simple gutlessness.
As for this Gelo person, ah, the argument to authority. Just because a person has won the Palanca, that means one cannot argue with that person. Oh bow to the gods, man, else get hit by Zeus' lightning. Gah. Try again.
And if you were reading the posts rather than being so narrow-minded to read what you only wanted to read, then you'd know that it wasn't the Palanca she was targeting. Look up 'comprehension' in the dictionary and try applying it to your reading, please.
(Moreover, I sincerely hope that I misunderstood your flighty-head declaration of "teaching in Ateneo means good-looking" because hell, that means not only are you stupid, but also shallow. But then again, I'm an optimist.)
And its nice to know that since you've insulted her speculative fiction stories, you basically dumped on a whole group of writers out there. Me, I laugh at this idea because that means some idiot of a writer of a certain kind of writing thinks that only they have the right to write in the Philippines. And yes, I've met one or two.
As for Katz, obviously she already said her piece so I'm curious why such a nobody like you would deign to actually speak for her. Are you her spokesperson? Or are you-- *gasp* -- bullying her by putting words in her mouth? Oh bravo, you little hypocritical twat.
(Digression: It's nice to know that you have the pretension of using the English language when you can't even distinguish "your" and "you're". I admire a person who brings a knife to a gunfight. Try again.)
Let me see, what else...
Ah, yes the argument ad hominem. The last recourse of the brainless and the thoughtless. You do know the whole point of raising arguments is to create discussions, right? (Which is the whole point of this post. Gah, why do I even bother reminding...) Of course the presumption here is that there is some logic to your argument. So it's nice to see you come out here to show how intellectually butt-naked you really are. Really brave of you, I think.
To conclude: Try again when you really have something say.
P.S. Ah, now I understand why you don't want to show your blog profile. "This blog does not allow anonymous comments." Great to see you show some effort in trying to post a comment here; too bad it's not an 'intelligent' comment.
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