If yesterday was scattered gray, the wind
that nip on the skin---
[Wondering what Zombies did
on the Devil's Night, unwilling to be a party to it, thinking
that I've become too old for such whimsy] Today is calm blue.
[I want to swim---]
Into that metal box, welcomed by a Shitzu, I found myself smiling,crossing
the street to buy two packs of red cancer, speaking in that customer service twang to the cashier about wanting an additional Philippine Star--- but it sells
like Saturday morning pancakes--- so none.
Crossing back, I found myself
thinking [Don't get run over because that's just stupid]
of all the years on this day I am always somewhere else on the road---
[Driving Ramon At Dawn:]
Once almost flying off the road because of punctured tires
--- not one, but two---
perhaps because of the dark, or Quirino Highway being Mars, or exhaustion begging
for sleep, or Linkin Park, or Mother alone in the house---alone and waiting in worry
with the rosary as her companion.
Startling the sleeping
in the car with "Pu-tang-i-na!"
Controlled braking and clutching to be grounded to the road.
Checking to see the awakened
---safe---
Rushing out to check the smoking engine, the tires, the road, the cliff---
Father had said, patting my shoulders as if I were his son, "Quick thinking."
I had nodded---[Almost died on the day of the dead in a mustard coffin]---
Then vomited.
[Stop]
[What day is it
today?]
[I would ask, had asked, and the answers are literal, unimaginative, bah]
Today I am in a cemetery with Father and children yesterday.
Today I am with the moon and remembered pleasure in a feast the other day.
Today I can no longer remember where I was the day before then...Ah! My stomach was about to be betrayed by love.
[Stop]
Yesterday, I read in the newspaper about a dog and Heidegger.
I think about the Shitzu introduced as "Bee" in that metal box--- wanting to feel paws to fill the loss.
Yesterday, I said a disgruntled exhale, "I miss Thirdy."
Yesterday, I was asked what I wanted to be changed in reality, exasperated by the futility of that question, so let's speak of---
[Today]
I want to swim and so I look at the pool---
Remembering when I used to swim Heidegger's anxiety away with each stroke, drunk or hung over, never sober, laps after laps for each lapse---
["Darling, have you been spacing out? With all that loss----"]
[COUNT]
Laptop---[lap]--- books like THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO BIFF JESUS CHRIST'S BEST FRIEND---[lap]--- wallet---[lap]--- identification cards---[lap]---cellular phone---[lap]--- numbers---[lap]--- quotes---[lap]--- memories of words----[drowning]
[STOP]
By the pool, Thirdy's bloody writhing body...[A scream]... Mine...A living memory.
[I wanted to swim.]
I back away.
Remaining dry.
[This Laugh]
At that unwitting zombie treat, "I want you to have no concept of time so I give you a frozen Buy&Sell freebie clock".
[The Trick]
Heidegger and cats and dogs stay the same.
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